Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
Say it out loud in the next argument: it is us against this pattern, not me against you.
Realign the sides. The two of you on one team, the cycle on the other.
Qur’an and Sunnah
The believers are but brothers, so make peace between them (Qur'an 49:10). Standing together against the rift is that peace.
إِنَّمَا ٱلۡمُؤۡمِنُونَ إِخۡوَةࣱ فَأَصۡلِحُواْ بَيۡنَ أَخَوَيۡكُمۡۚ وَٱتَّقُواْ ٱللَّهَ لَعَلَّكُمۡ تُرۡحَمُونَ
The believers are brothers, so make peace between your two brothers and be mindful of God, so that you may be given mercy
Qur’an 49:10read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
In a fight it feels like you against them. Saying it is us against the cycle puts you back on the same side, which is the only side that wins.
Johnson, S.M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy with Individuals, Couples, and Families. Guilford
The originator's account of EFT as attachment-based practice.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Reframing the fight as a shared enemy restores the alliance.
Where this sits: EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy), attachment-based couple intervention.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.