Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
Share the hurt instead of the accusation in your next hard conversation.
That hurt me is easier to hear than that was cruel. The wound, not the charge.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Speak to people a good word (Qur'an 2:83). Naming your hurt gently is a good word even in pain.
يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ ٱتَّقُواْ ٱللَّهَ وَقُولُواْ قَوۡلࣰ ا سَدِيدࣰ ا
Believers, be mindful of God, speak in a direct fashion and to good purpose
Qur’an 33:70read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
An accusation starts a defence; a shared hurt invites care. Saying I was hurt, rather than you were wrong, opens a door instead of a battle.
Johnson, S.M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy with Individuals, Couples, and Families. Guilford
The originator's account of EFT as attachment-based practice.
Strength of evidence: research links. Replicated observational or longitudinal work.
Why it works
Expressing hurt rather than accusation lowers the other's defences.
Where this sits: EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy), attachment-based couple intervention.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.