Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
In the split second before you shut down or snap, notice the hurt or fear that flashed through you, and hold onto it.
Reactions like going cold or hitting back happen fast, but just before them is a brief flash of a deeper feeling: defeat, fear, hopelessness. Catching that split second is where you find what the conflict is really about.
Qur’an and Sunnah
God knows exactly what is in everyone's hearts (Quran 3:119). The fleeting feeling you barely catch is already fully known to Him; noticing it yourself is the first step to mastering your reaction.
هَٰٓأَنتُمۡ أُوْلَآءِ تُحِبُّونَهُمۡ وَلَا يُحِبُّونَكُمۡ وَتُؤۡمِنُونَ بِٱلۡكِتَٰبِ كُلِّهِۦ وَإِذَا لَقُوكُمۡ قَالُوٓاْ ءَامَنَّا وَإِذَا خَلَوۡاْ عَضُّواْ عَلَيۡكُمُ ٱلۡأَنَامِلَ مِنَ ٱلۡغَيۡظِۚ قُلۡ مُوتُواْ بِغَيۡظِكُمۡۗ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ عَلِيمُۢ بِذَاتِ ٱلصُّدُورِ
This is how it is: here you are, you love them, but they do not love you; you believe in all the Scriptures and when they meet you, they say, ‘We believe,’ but when they are alone, they bite their fingertips in rage at you. [Prophet], say, ‘Die of rage [if you wish]!’ God knows exactly what is in everyone’s hearts
Qur’an 3:119read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
Reactive moves in a couple, withdrawing or attacking, are triggered by a rapid, often unnoticed appraisal: she thinks I am hopeless, I have lost him. Catching that split-second meaning and body response, before the automatic reaction takes over, is what lets a partner understand and change the cycle rather than repeat it.
Johnson, S. M., Hunsley, J., Greenberg, L. S. and Schindler, D. (1999). Emotionally focused couples therapy: Status and challenges. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice doi
A meta-analysis of the most rigorous outcome studies found emotionally focused therapy produced a large effect on relationship distress, with roughly 70 to 75 percent of couples recovering.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Slowing down to catch the fleeting primary feeling before the automatic reaction gives you something true to share instead of a defence.
Where this sits: EFT, reprocessing emotion; EFT Tango Move 1, Mirroring Present Process.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.