Areas › Low mood and hard feelings › Name what you feel
Under the anger, name the softer feeling: often it is fear, or hurt, or feeling unseen.
Anger is a bodyguard. Name what it is guarding, and it begins to soften.
Qur’an and Sunnah
He knows what is in your hearts (Qur'an 33:51). The feeling you will not admit is already known to Him; naming it takes its power away.
۞تُرۡجِي مَن تَشَآءُ مِنۡهُنَّ وَتُـٔۡوِيٓ إِلَيۡكَ مَن تَشَآءُۖ وَمَنِ ٱبۡتَغَيۡتَ مِمَّنۡ عَزَلۡتَ فَلَا جُنَاحَ عَلَيۡكَۚ ذَٰلِكَ أَدۡنَىٰٓ أَن تَقَرَّ أَعۡيُنُهُنَّ وَلَا يَحۡزَنَّ وَيَرۡضَيۡنَ بِمَآ ءَاتَيۡتَهُنَّ كُلُّهُنَّۚ وَٱللَّهُ يَعۡلَمُ مَا فِي قُلُوبِكُمۡۚ وَكَانَ ٱللَّهُ عَلِيمًا حَلِيمࣰ ا
You may make any of [your women] wait and receive any of them as you wish, but you will not be at fault if you invite one whose turn you have previously set aside: this way it is more likely that they will be satisfied and will not be distressed and will all be content with what you have given them. God knows what is in your hearts: God is all knowing, forbearing
Qur’an 33:51read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
Anger usually sits on top of something tender. Naming the fear or hurt underneath is what actually settles it.
Lieberman, M. D.; Eisenberger, N. I.; Crockett, M. J.; Tom, S. M.; Pfeifer, J. H.; Way, B. M. (2007). Putting Feelings Into Words: Affect Labeling Disrupts Amygdala Activity in Response to Affective Stimuli. Psychological Science doi
Naming an emotion in words reduces amygdala activity, dampening the emotional reaction.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Reaching the tender feeling beneath a reactive one loosens its grip and its shame.
Where this sits: Emotion regulation, affect labeling (mindfulness-based).
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
Give the feeling a number from zero to ten, and watch the number instead of obeying it.
When a feeling grips you, name it in one plain word: this is anger, this is fear, this is hurt.
There are medicines that make stopping smoking easier, and one of them can sometimes cover a mood or attention problem at the same time. That is a fair thing to ask a doctor about.