Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
On the old recurring issue, raise it once this week more gently than you ever have.
Most problems between two people never fully resolve. The task is to soften how you carry them.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Repel evil with what is better, and your enemy becomes a dear friend (Qur'an 41:34). A gentler approach to the old sore point can transform it.
وَلَا تَسۡتَوِي ٱلۡحَسَنَةُ وَلَا ٱلسَّيِّئَةُۚ ٱدۡفَعۡ بِٱلَّتِي هِيَ أَحۡسَنُ فَإِذَا ٱلَّذِي بَيۡنَكَ وَبَيۡنَهُۥ عَدَٰوَةࣱ كَأَنَّهُۥ وَلِيٌّ حَمِيمࣱ
Good and evil cannot be equal. [Prophet], repel evil with what is better and your enemy will become as close as an old and valued friend
Qur’an 41:34read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
Two thirds of a couple's problems never get solved; they get lived with. Raising the old one gently turns a standoff into something you can carry together.
Gottman, J.; Levenson, R. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health.. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology doi
Interaction patterns and physiological arousal predicting dissolution.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Perpetual problems are managed with humour and affection, not solved.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.