Areas › Your marriage › Rebuilding trust
The one who caused the hurt listens to the pain non-defensively, without excuses, as long as it is needed.
Do not rush the hurt partner or defend yourself. Bear their anger and grief with patience; it is part of repair.
Qur’an and Sunnah
If a person is patient and forgives, this is one of the greatest things (Quran 42:43). Patiently bearing a partner's pain is part of that greatness.
وَلَمَن صَبَرَ وَغَفَرَ إِنَّ ذَٰلِكَ لَمِنۡ عَزۡمِ ٱلۡأُمُورِ
though if a person is patient and forgives, this is one of the greatest things
Qur’an 42:43read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
Repair requires the one who broke trust to hear the other's pain, again and again, without defending or minimizing; being truly witnessed, not managed, is what the injured partner needs to heal.
Gottman, J.; Coan, J.; Carrere, S.; Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family doi
Newlywed interaction patterns; accepting influence; soft start-up.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Listening to the injured partner's pain without defensiveness is what allows the wound to be witnessed and to heal.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Trust and Commitment; Affairs, Phase 1: Atone (listen non-defensively to the pain).
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
Deliberately hold your partner's good qualities in mind, and let cherishing crowd out resentful thoughts.
The partner who broke trust answers questions with complete transparency and hides nothing going forward.
Atonement is not only apology; it is changed behavior over time. Let your actions become the apology.