Areas › Your marriage › Rebuilding trust
Deliberately hold your partner's good qualities in mind, and let cherishing crowd out resentful thoughts.
After trust is rebuilding, nurture cherishing: recall and dwell on what you value in them, on purpose.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Our Lord, give us joy in our spouses and offspring (Quran 25:74). Cherishing is tending that joy on purpose.
وَٱلَّذِينَ يَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَا هَبۡ لَنَا مِنۡ أَزۡوَٰجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّٰتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعۡيُنࣲ وَٱجۡعَلۡنَا لِلۡمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا
those who pray, ‘Our Lord, give us joy in our spouses and offspring. Make us good examples to those who are aware of You’
Qur’an 25:74read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
Recovery deepens when partners deliberately nurture cherishing, actively holding the other's good in mind, rather than rehearsing grievance; where attention goes, the bond re-grows.
Gottman, J.; Coan, J.; Carrere, S.; Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family doi
Newlywed interaction patterns; accepting influence; soft start-up.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Deliberately cultivating cherishing thoughts about a partner rebuilds the fondness that betrayal eroded.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Trust and Commitment; Affairs, Phase 3: Attach (cherishing).
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
Offer genuine remorse, not a rushed sorry. Sincere turning back is where the return begins.
If you caused the injury, acknowledge your partner's pain, own your part, and stay present with them; do not defend or flee.
Do not try to restore the old marriage. Build a new one, on honesty, transparency, and witnessing each other's truths.