Areas › Your marriage › Rebuilding trust
A betrayal is the choice of the one who made it. Unhappiness never forced it, and it is not the hurt partner's fault.
A struggling marriage is one thing; how a person responds to it is their own choice. Do not carry blame that is not yours.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Each soul is responsible for its own actions; no soul will bear the burden of another (Quran 6:164). The choice, and its weight, belong to the one who made it.
قُلۡ أَغَيۡرَ ٱللَّهِ أَبۡغِي رَبࣰّ ا وَهُوَ رَبُّ كُلِّ شَيۡءࣲۚ وَلَا تَكۡسِبُ كُلُّ نَفۡسٍ إِلَّا عَلَيۡهَاۚ وَلَا تَزِرُ وَازِرَةࣱ وِزۡرَ أُخۡرَىٰۚ ثُمَّ إِلَىٰ رَبِّكُم مَّرۡجِعُكُمۡ فَيُنَبِّئُكُم بِمَا كُنتُمۡ فِيهِ تَخۡتَلِفُونَ
Say, ‘Should I seek a Lord other than God, when He is the Lord of all things?’ Each soul is responsible for its own actions; no soul will bear the burden of another. You will all return to your Lord in the end, and He will tell you the truth about your differences
Qur’an 6:164read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
However unhappy a marriage was, the betrayal was a choice the betraying partner alone made; the injured partner is not to blame for it. Clear responsibility, without self-blame, is part of healthy recovery.
Gottman, J.; Coan, J.; Carrere, S.; Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family doi
Newlywed interaction patterns; accepting influence; soft start-up.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Locating responsibility for the betrayal with the one who chose it, not the injured partner, protects the hurt partner from unwarranted self-blame.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Trust and Commitment; Affairs, Phase 1: Atone (the affair was the betrayer's choice).
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
If you caused the injury, acknowledge your partner's pain, own your part, and stay present with them; do not defend or flee.
Do not try to restore the old marriage. Build a new one, on honesty, transparency, and witnessing each other's truths.
The one who caused the hurt listens to the pain non-defensively, without excuses, as long as it is needed.