Areas › Your marriage › Fondness and admiration
Counter contempt by building a steady culture of appreciation: express thanks, fondness, and respect often.
Contempt grows where appreciation is missing. Regular, sincere praise is the long-term antidote.
Qur’an and Sunnah
A kind word is better than a charitable deed followed by hurt (Quran 2:263). The kind word, given freely, is what keeps scorn from ever taking root.
۞قَوۡلࣱ مَّعۡرُوفࣱ وَمَغۡفِرَةٌ خَيۡرࣱ مِّن صَدَقَةࣲ يَتۡبَعُهَآ أَذࣰ ىۗ وَٱللَّهُ غَنِيٌّ حَلِيمࣱ
A kind word and forgiveness is better than a charitable deed followed by hurtful [words]: God is self-sufficient, forbearing
Qur’an 2:263read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
Contempt, the most corrosive pattern, takes hold where appreciation has faded; deliberately expressing thanks, fondness, and respect is the all-encompassing antidote.
Gottman, J.; Coan, J.; Carrere, S.; Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family doi
Newlywed interaction patterns; accepting influence; soft start-up.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
A steady culture of appreciation crowds out contempt, the single strongest predictor of breakup.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict; Four Horsemen, antidote to Contempt (build a culture of appreciation).
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.