Areas › Your marriage › Knowing your partner
On a core disagreement, tell your partner the story behind your position: where it comes from, what it means to you.
Behind a firm stance is usually a history and a dream. Share yours honestly instead of just defending it.
Qur’an and Sunnah
We made you into peoples so that you should recognize one another (Quran 49:13). To be truly known, dreams and all, is part of why you were joined.
يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ إِنَّا خَلَقۡنَٰكُم مِّن ذَكَرࣲ وَأُنثَىٰ وَجَعَلۡنَٰكُمۡ شُعُوبࣰ ا وَقَبَآئِلَ لِتَعَارَفُوٓاْۚ إِنَّ أَكۡرَمَكُمۡ عِندَ ٱللَّهِ أَتۡقَىٰكُمۡۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ عَلِيمٌ خَبِيرࣱ
People, We created you all from a single man and a single woman, and made you into races and tribes so that you should recognize one another. In God’s eyes, the most honoured of you are the ones most mindful of Him: God is all knowing, all aware
Qur’an 49:13read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
A rigid position makes sense once its story is told; sharing the history, belief, or dream underneath turns a standoff into an act of being known.
Gottman, J.; Coan, J.; Carrere, S.; Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family doi
Newlywed interaction patterns; accepting influence; soft start-up.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Explaining the history and meaning behind your position lets your partner understand you rather than fight you.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict; Dreams Within Conflict (the Dream Speaker).
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.