Areas › Your marriage › Listening and understanding
Hold your advice until you fully understand, or until it is asked for. Understanding always comes before solutions.
Words of understanding must precede any words of advice. Always. Fix later, if at all.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Tell My servants to say what is best (Quran 17:53). The best word, at the right time, is understanding before counsel.
وَقُل لِّعِبَادِي يَقُولُواْ ٱلَّتِي هِيَ أَحۡسَنُۚ إِنَّ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنَ يَنزَغُ بَيۡنَهُمۡۚ إِنَّ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنَ كَانَ لِلۡإِنسَٰنِ عَدُوࣰّ ا مُّبِينࣰ ا
[Prophet], tell My servants to say what is best. Satan sows discord among them: Satan is a sworn enemy of man
Qur’an 17:53read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
Jumping to solutions before a partner feels understood reads as dismissal; understanding first is what makes any later suggestion welcome.
Shenk, C. and Fruzzetti, A. E. (2011). The impact of validating and invalidating responses on emotional reactivity. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology doi
Validating responses lower emotional arousal, while invalidating responses increase it.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Offering understanding before advice is what lets the advice actually be received.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Turn Toward (Attunement, understanding before advice); How to Be a Great Listener.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.