Areas › Your marriage › Listening and understanding
Under every complaint or hard feeling there is a longing. Listen for the wish underneath.
Behind the anger or sadness is a desire. Find the longing and you find what they actually need.
Qur’an and Sunnah
God knows exactly what is in everyone's hearts (Quran 3:119). Listening for the longing is seeking the heart He already sees.
هَٰٓأَنتُمۡ أُوْلَآءِ تُحِبُّونَهُمۡ وَلَا يُحِبُّونَكُمۡ وَتُؤۡمِنُونَ بِٱلۡكِتَٰبِ كُلِّهِۦ وَإِذَا لَقُوكُمۡ قَالُوٓاْ ءَامَنَّا وَإِذَا خَلَوۡاْ عَضُّواْ عَلَيۡكُمُ ٱلۡأَنَامِلَ مِنَ ٱلۡغَيۡظِۚ قُلۡ مُوتُواْ بِغَيۡظِكُمۡۗ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ عَلِيمُۢ بِذَاتِ ٱلصُّدُورِ
This is how it is: here you are, you love them, but they do not love you; you believe in all the Scriptures and when they meet you, they say, ‘We believe,’ but when they are alone, they bite their fingertips in rage at you. [Prophet], say, ‘Die of rage [if you wish]!’ God knows exactly what is in everyone’s hearts
Qur’an 3:119read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
Every difficult feeling carries a hidden wish; listening past the complaint to the longing underneath is what lets you meet the real need instead of fighting the surface.
Gottman, J.; Coan, J.; Carrere, S.; Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family doi
Newlywed interaction patterns; accepting influence; soft start-up.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Hearing the longing beneath a negative emotion tells you what your partner truly needs from you.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Turn Toward (Attunement, the longing within the complaint); How to Be a Great Listener.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
Try to see the situation from your partner's side, not your own. Assume there is a good reason they feel as they do.
When your partner is sad, do not try to cheer them up or fix it. Find out what is lost or missing.
Reflect your partner's feeling back to them in simple, slow, soft words, using their own words where you can.