Areas › Yourself and your limits › Validate yourself and others
Before you fix or argue, validate: that makes sense, I can see why you feel that. It cools the heat.
People calm down when they feel understood, not corrected. Understanding first, solutions later.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Repel evil with what is better, and your enemy will become as close as an old friend (Quran 41:34). A validating word is often the better thing that turns the moment.
وَلَا تَسۡتَوِي ٱلۡحَسَنَةُ وَلَا ٱلسَّيِّئَةُۚ ٱدۡفَعۡ بِٱلَّتِي هِيَ أَحۡسَنُ فَإِذَا ٱلَّذِي بَيۡنَكَ وَبَيۡنَهُۥ عَدَٰوَةࣱ كَأَنَّهُۥ وَلِيٌّ حَمِيمࣱ
Good and evil cannot be equal. [Prophet], repel evil with what is better and your enemy will become as close as an old and valued friend
Qur’an 41:34read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
A validating response, signalling that the other's reaction makes sense, measurably lowers their emotional arousal, while invalidation raises it. Understanding is what unlocks the conversation.
Shenk, C. and Fruzzetti, A. E. (2011). The impact of validating and invalidating responses on emotional reactivity. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology doi
Validating responses lower emotional arousal, while invalidating responses increase it.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Naming that the other's feeling makes sense lowers their arousal and opens them to you.
Where this sits: DBT, validation skills (GIVE).
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.