Practices

Working out what someone meant by hurting another person is a conversation for the person who did it. Said to the one who was harmed, they were not really trying to hurt you lands as being talked out of your own experience.

Anyone who has been on the receiving end of violence has usually spent a long time being told it was not what it was. Even a kindly meant explanation…

Some true things cannot be said early. A reframe that would land well in the tenth conversation will end the second one.

Ideas about what really drives harm, or about a person being more than the worst thing they have done, are easily heard as excusing it or as blaming…

Ask it plainly. Do you think you are a threat to anyone you love? A vague anger problem turns into something workable the moment it has a name attached to it.

Then keep going, because the follow up questions carry most of the weight. Has there been any thought of killing someone, or of dying. What is in the…

Hurting yourself is not always about coping. Sometimes it is aimed at somebody else, and until you know which it is you cannot know what would help.

This is uncomfortable to ask about and it is not an accusation. An act can be a way through an unbearable hour, or a message to someone who has…

See what you made me do to myself. When self-harm is carrying a message like that, naming the message is not dismissing it, it is looking for the thing that could be said instead.

The question can be asked kindly and straight. Do you ever get angry enough with them to want to hurt yourself so that they feel it. People often say…

An act meant to be heard rather than to end a life can still end one. Whatever you believe about the intent, lethality is a separate question and it always gets asked.

The ways this happens are ordinary and awful. A method more dangerous than the person realised. The friend who was meant to arrive, arriving late. A…

When someone introduces themselves as an abuser, take the word seriously without treating it as the finding. A label names a category of offence, not what is actually going on in them.

Some people arrive with the language of a programme or a court already fitted to them, and it closes down the question of what drives the behaviour…

Ask whether the anger is really about this person at all, or whether it is contempt for a whole category of people that happens to have someone standing nearby.

It sounds different once you listen for it. The complaints come out in the plural, about how women are or what wives do, and the particular person in…

When somebody's anger is filling the room, the bravest sentence available is usually the plainest one: you are frightening me right now.

It gives them a piece of information they almost never have, which is what they are actually doing to the person in front of them. It also puts…

Ask what has been done to this person, not only what they have done. Old harm decides which ordinary things now register as a threat.

Reactions that look wildly out of proportion usually are not, once you know what the moment resembled. A hand raised near a face, a certain tone,…

You do not have to jump straight to understanding. Try the step before it: hands open, honestly puzzled, help me see what just happened here.

It has to be a real question. The rhetorical version, asked with your jaw set, makes things worse and both of you know it. Ask, then stay quiet long…

Carry the rough proportions into every ADHD assessment. Executive function difficulty in the great majority, coordination difficulty in around half, dyslexia in something like a quarter to two fifths. A workup that never asks about handwriting, sport or reading is not finished.

The behaviour problem you were called about is often the visible end of an unidentified reading or coordination difficulty. Ask what PE is like, what…

Expect more anxiety, low mood, drinking and drug use in the young people coming through now. And expect the boys to say less about it, so go looking for irritability, trouble and substances instead of waiting to be told.

Ask parents what they are seeing rather than only what they have been told, and ask the young person directly and privately. Screening that rests on…

Parents with one affected child often ask what they might do differently before the next one. Answer honestly: there are lists of suggestions in circulation, the evidence behind most of them is thin, and the question underneath is usually about blame.

Take the question seriously and take the guilt seriously alongside it. Give what is genuinely known, say plainly where recommendations run ahead of…

Keep the tasks short, a couple of minutes each, with results back the same day. A long test given to a child who cannot sustain attention measures how long they can last, not the thing you were trying to measure.

Brevity is not a convenience you are allowing yourself. It is what keeps the data honest, and it keeps the child willing for whatever you ask next.…

Run the assessment yourself and watch while they work. Under real effort you will see the small movements, the tics and the overflow that never appear in ordinary conversation, and none of it reaches you if a technician or an app does the testing.

Sit where you can see hands and face. Note what happens as the task gets harder: the tongue that comes out, the leg that starts going, the free hand…

Processing speed is the stubborn one. It shifts a little with repeated, rhythmically paced practice and hardly at all with explanation, so say that to a family at the start rather than when they are disappointed.

Teaching a strategy will not make a slow processor quick, and telling a child to hurry up only makes the work more unpleasant. Graded practice with…

Assess, make a plan, do the work, and then keep measuring while you do it. Without that last part you have no way of knowing whether to push harder, change direction or stop.

Use more than one stream: your own measures, what parents notice at home, what school reports, and what the child says about it. Children will tell…

When something is genuinely alive for the person in front of you, work with that. Whatever you had planned to cover keeps until a quieter week.

Teaching over the top of live feeling does not land, and it tells the other person that your agenda outranks their week. When there is heat, follow…

You can screen for a processing difficulty with no test at all. Just notice, in ordinary conversation, whether the child is answering what you actually said.

A child who drifts off topic, answers a slightly different question, or needs things said twice may not be avoiding you or daydreaming. The words may…