Practices

Ask whether the anger is really about this person at all, or whether it is contempt for a whole category of people that happens to have someone standing nearby.

It sounds different once you listen for it. The complaints come out in the plural, about how women are or what wives do, and the particular person in…

Twenty minutesWhen anger turns to harmCoreQur’an 16:90

If the harm has only ever happened when someone had been drinking, the drinking is not the background to an anger problem. It is the anger problem.

Families often know this long before anyone says it aloud: he is fine, except. Go through it honestly, every incident, drunk or sober, and if…

Twenty minutesWhen anger turns to harmCoreQur’an 4:29

If anger runs on the fear system, then the things that settle fear are worth trying on anger: staying in the room a bit longer, letting your body come down before you speak, going back over the story you told yourself about what was happening.

Most anger advice is about clamping down, and clamping down on something frightened rarely holds for long. Treating it as fear gives you gentler…

Twenty minutesThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 20:68

Triggers come in different kinds. Some are about life and limb, some are things you learned to dread such as criticism or being shown up, and some are abstractions like unfairness. What helps depends on which kind you are dealing with.

Real danger needs a plan and usually other people, not a breathing exercise. A learned dread tends to ease by going near it more often in small doses…

Twenty minutesThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 20:112

Some of the fights you take up for other people are your own old fight, unfinished, borrowed onto somebody else's ground.

The signs are recognisable: the heat is out of proportion, you cannot let it go afterwards, and the person you were defending never asked you to.…

Twenty minutesThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 28:10

Follow the chain. The anger points at a fear, and the fear points at what you believe is at stake. That last thing is what you are actually dealing with.

Once it has passed, ask what you were afraid of in that moment, then ask whether the threat was really there. Being spoken over is not the same as…

Twenty minutesThe fear underneath angerCoreQur’an 21:87

Some triggers make no sense because the memory attached to them is long gone while the alarm is still wired in. A tone of voice, a particular shirt, the smell of dinner burning.

If you find yourself furious out of all proportion, look at the features rather than the story. What did that moment sound like, look like, feel like…

Twenty minutesChoosing your responseCoreQur’an 41:36

Anger numbs. If it is doing the work of a painkiller for you, it will be hard to put down while the pain underneath is still untreated.

Ask what tends to be there in the half hour before you flare: a bit of shame, feeling small, an old fear about being left. The anger often arrives to…

Twenty minutesCool the body firstCoreQur’an 94:1

The aim is not to become someone with no force in them. It is to get a harness on the force and point it at something worth doing.

Anger usually knows something true: this was unfair, this matters to me, this cannot carry on. Keep that part and drop the delivery. The energy can…

Twenty minutesEquanimity and perspectiveCoreQur’an 12:86

Look back at a fight you went out of your way to have and pride is often what was driving. Being right and being respected feel like needs in the moment, and they cost far more than they return.

This changes what there is to work on. Breathing exercises will not touch a fight you are having in order to prove you are somebody. The question…

Twenty minutesEquanimity and perspectiveCoreQur’an 28:88

Knowing something calmly and feeling it are two separate achievements, and the second takes longer. If you can say the reasonable thing but it does not touch how you feel, you are partway, not failing.

The gap does not close by arguing with yourself harder. It closes by living it: doing the practice in real situations, in your body, while the…

Twenty minutesMaking it stickCoreQur’an 87:8

When something is genuinely alive for the person in front of you, work with that. Whatever you had planned to cover keeps until a quieter week.

Teaching over the top of live feeling does not land, and it tells the other person that your agenda outranks their week. When there is heat, follow…

Twenty minutesMaking it stickCoreQur’an 18:23

If a child is behind in reading, the gap rarely closes on its own with another year of the same. Asking for a proper assessment now is kinder than hoping that maturity will do the work.

National figures show reading proficiency barely shifting between primary school and the end of secondary, which tells you that catching up later is…

Twenty minutesReading, numbers and learning differencesCoreQur’an 16:43

Before adding more content, look at what the child has to receive it with: attention, memory for what was just said, language. Two children given the same lesson do not take away the same amount, and that difference is usually where the real gap sits.

It is tempting to answer a gap with better materials, since materials are the part that can be bought. But if a child cannot hold a sentence in mind…

Twenty minutesReading, numbers and learning differencesCoreQur’an 4:28

Phonological awareness is not one skill. Telling sounds apart, rhyming, breaking a word into its sounds and blending them back are separate jobs, and a child can be fine at one and stuck at another.

Before agreeing that a child needs phonics, find out which piece is missing. Ask them to say the sounds in cat, then to join up sounds you give them,…

Twenty minutesReading, numbers and learning differencesCoreQur’an 55:4

A display organised by sound rather than by alphabet gives a child more to hold on to. Let them feel where each sound is made, lips, tongue, teeth, and match that to the letters that spell it.

Reading is learned from speech towards print, so a border running A, B, C tells a child very little about what they are actually doing. Grouping by…

Twenty minutesReading, numbers and learning differencesCoreQur’an 26:13

If a parent has been saying since the first year of school that something is wrong with their child's reading, start from the assumption that they are right. They have watched more of it than anyone else has.

The usual story is years of being told the child is fine, a little behind, will catch up, and then a diagnosis at nine or ten when the easiest years…

Twenty minutesReading, numbers and learning differencesCoreQur’an 80:3

Before drilling number facts, check whether the child has any feel for how much a number is. Which pile is bigger, is eight nearer to ten or to two, give me three of those.

A child with no sense of quantity can still learn to recite that seven and eight make fifteen, and it will be a string of sounds attached to nothing.…

Twenty minutesReading, numbers and learning differencesCoreQur’an 16:78

Build numbers and break them up again. Seven is five and two, and also six and one, and a child who can see that has the thing mental arithmetic is made of.

Blocks, buttons, coins, anything you can push into two piles and back together. Ask which numbers fit inside other numbers and let the child show you…

Twenty minutesReading, numbers and learning differencesCoreQur’an 87:8

Patterns sit underneath both reading and arithmetic. Blue, red, green, blue, red, green: making a sequence, copying it, then breaking it on purpose builds the ordering that words and numbers both run on.

Use blocks, beads, claps, a drum, anything with an order to it. Ask the child to make the same pattern, then to spoil it deliberately and tell you…

Twenty minutesReading, numbers and learning differencesCoreQur’an 20:25

Looking for a whole subject rather than a single practice? Start from the nine areas.