Practices

If you feel yourself rising, sit down. It is the smallest instruction in the whole toolkit and often the one that works.

Standing tall with a raised voice tells your own body that a fight is on, and it tells the other person the same thing, so they brace and match you.…

If someone stands up mid argument, stay where you are. Rising with them turns a conversation into a stand off.

Therapists who sit with couples notice that the person on their feet usually sits back down within a minute or two when nobody gets up to meet them.…

A sigh opens the chest and drops the guard for a second. That is part of why it feels like relief and part of why the other person softens too.

Anger holds the body braced: shoulders up, chest closed, everything protecting the middle. A sigh undoes some of that, and it is hard to keep the…

In a hostile exchange, try a slow hmm instead of a reply. It sounds like someone thinking, and it puts a long out breath in the way of whatever you were about to say.

The sound we make when we are unsure is already in everyone's repertoire, and it reads as puzzlement rather than as a threat, so the other person has…

Freezing is not something you decided on. It is what was left once the other options had gone.

A mouse does not try to charm a cat. It runs, and if it is caught it goes limp, and none of that is a considered plan. People ask themselves for…