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Practices

Every practice in the library, in one list. Narrow it by how long you have, who it is written for, and where you are right now.

Narrowed down

7 practices
What anger actually is remove filterMy husband or wife remove filterCoping, mostly remove filterClear all
How long you have
Five minutes 5Twenty minutes 1Longer 1
Who it is written for · My husband or wife
A practitioner 54Me 50Someone I care about 40My husband or wife 7
Where you are right now · Coping, mostly
Coping, mostly 7Struggling right now 2
On your own, or with someone
On my own 3Involves someone else 3Both of us together 1
Theme · What anger actually is
Staying regulated in conflict 60Knowing your partner 25Answering bids 24Emotions as signals 20Repair after rupture 19Shared spiritual life 17Feelings and focus 16Affection and touch 15Fondness and admiration 15Rebuilding trust 14Rituals of connection 13Listening and understanding 13Gratitude 9What anger actually is 7Bringing the future closer 5Treatment and medication 5Growing empathy 4The moment before you snap 4Equanimity and perspective 4Systems for daily life 4Remembering to do it 3Your nervous system 3Shame 2Your sense of time 2What you are actually defending 2Get started 2What ADHD actually is 1When you go numb 1Practising under provocation 1Choosing your response 1Use your strengths 1
When
After a row 3Any ordinary day 3In a change 1

Holding anger in does not hide it. It comes out in the face, the shoulders and the shortness of your answers, and the person opposite reads all of it.

This is why gritted politeness so often makes things worse rather than better. They can feel something and now they cannot ask about it. Saying the…

Five minutesWhat anger actually isCoreQur’an 3:159

How you show anger was taught to you long before you had any say. Some households raise their voices and forget it by supper, others go quiet for three days.

Neither is health and neither is illness. They are rules, learned early enough that they feel like instinct. Saying yours out loud is the useful…

Five minutesWhat anger actually isCoreQur’an 25:63

Defence starts at a boundary. When anger flares, something has been read as crossing a line, so the question worth asking is which line.

The answer is often smaller and clearer than the reaction: being spoken over, being made to look stupid in front of someone, having your time taken…

Five minutesWhat anger actually isCoreQur’an 42:41

Being late on purpose, the joke with an edge, the job done just badly enough: that is anger at full strength, only sent by a quieter route.

People who do this often say honestly that they never get angry, and they believe it, because what they are picturing is shouting. The feeling is all…

Five minutesWhat anger actually isCoreQur’an 2:263

If you swallow it all day at work and it comes out at home, home is not where the problem is. It is just the safest place to put it down.

Anger lands where retaliation costs least, which usually means on the people who will forgive you. Two things help more than trying to be calmer at…

Five minutesWhat anger actually isCoreQur’an 7:150

Your family had its own rules about anger, quite apart from anything cultural. Those are the ones that shaped you, and they can be renegotiated.

Name two of them plainly. Nobody leaves the table. Whoever shouts loudest wins. We do not mention it the next day. Then ask which you still want.…

Twenty minutesWhat anger actually isCoreQur’an 2:263

Anger moves from person to person in a house, and so does steadiness. Working on your own reactions was never a private project.

You are one of the conditions everyone around you is responding to. When your fuse lengthens, the number of moments that turn into an incident drops…

LongerWhat anger actually isCoreQur’an 59:10

Looking for a whole subject rather than a single practice? Start from the nine areas.