Practices
Every practice in the library, in one list. Narrow it by how long you have, who it is written for, and where you are right now.
Narrowed down
7 practicesHow long you have
Who it is written for · My husband or wife
Where you are right now · Getting ready for something
On your own, or with someone
Theme
Set the terms of a break while nobody is angry: what you will say, how long you will take, where you will go, and that you will not drive. Then it is a shared arrangement rather than something you do to the other person.
Leaving can be used as a weapon. Two days of silence, walking out while someone is crying, driving off into the night: all of that can wear the…
Have three or four openers ready before you need them. For what it is worth. Can I run something by you. You might not like this, so give me the benefit of the doubt.
When you are stirred up you will not compose diplomatic language on the spot, so the phrases have to be picked in advance and worn in. Say them aloud…
Do not walk into a hard event and improvise. Ten minutes beforehand, work out what is likely to happen, what you will do about it, and how you get out if you need to.
If someone is coming with you, make it a shared plan. What the signal is when one of you needs air, who says what to whom, when you leave. The point…
When you cannot skip it, shorten it. Come for the meal and skip the drinks afterwards. Two hours of you at your best is worth more to everyone than five hours ending badly.
Decide the leaving time before you arrive and say it out loud on the way in, so that it is a plan rather than a walkout. Booking something afterwards…
Before you practise something exposing with someone, say out loud what is not at risk. I will not think less of you, and nothing between us changes here.
It sounds obvious and it does a great deal of work. If the relationship really is on the line, then the discomfort is not symbolic and no amount of…
A friend or a counsellor telling you that you are not a monster helps, and it only takes you so far. The shame usually sits with one particular person, and it eases most when that person hears the thing and stays.
So aim a disclosure carefully rather than widely. Choose the person the shame is actually about, pick a moment with room in it, and say the small…
Decide now what you will say when it happens, while nothing is happening. A line chosen in the calm is worth more than any resolve you can summon mid row.
Keep it short and unheroic: I need ten minutes, I am not walking out on you. Say it aloud a few times so your mouth knows the shape of it. And if…
Looking for a whole subject rather than a single practice? Start from the nine areas.