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Practices

Every practice in the library, in one list. Narrow it by how long you have, who it is written for, and where you are right now.

Narrowed down

6 practices
Feelings and focus remove filterCoping, mostly remove filterAfter a row remove filterClear all
How long you have
A minute 2Five minutes 1Twenty minutes 3
Who it is written for
Me 6A practitioner 6My husband or wife 5
Where you are right now · Coping, mostly
Coping, mostly 6Struggling right now 5
On your own, or with someone
Both of us together 3On my own 3
Theme · Feelings and focus
Staying regulated in conflict 28Repair after rupture 15What anger actually is 13Equanimity and perspective 11Rebuilding trust 9The fear underneath anger 8Feelings and focus 6Emotions as signals 6The moment before you snap 4Screens and attention 3Practising under provocation 3Choosing your response 3Cool the body first 2When anger turns to harm 2Bringing the future closer 2The cost of avoiding 2What you are actually defending 2Your sense of time 2Anger, alcohol and the body 1Moving your body 1Use your strengths 1Tolerate distress 1Affection and touch 1Righteous anger and perfectionism 1Validate yourself and others 1Getting assessed and diagnosed 1Fondness and admiration 1Growing empathy 1
Approach
ADHD skills 5CBT 1
When · After a row
Any ordinary day 23Under stress 8After a row 6When apart 1

When you genuinely cannot know what someone thought of you, the harsh guess is no more accurate than the kind one. Since you are inventing either way, invent the version that lets you carry on with your day.

This is not positive thinking. It is noticing the moment you moved from evidence to invention, because at that point you get a say. A short reply…

A minuteFeelings and focusCBTQur’an 41:34

Halfway up the argument, ask yourself one question. What do I want here, and who am I trying to be. Winning the sentence is rarely worth what it costs by bedtime.

It is a simple move and it is genuinely hard, because the moment is loud and the long view is quiet. A short version helps. Not in front of the…

A minuteFeelings and focusADHD skillsQur’an 41:34

Often the feeling fits the situation perfectly and the size of it does not. You were right to be annoyed. The ten out of ten is the part that caused the trouble.

This is a useful thing to say to yourself afterwards, because it stops you throwing out your own read of what happened. Your sense that it was unfair…

Five minutesFeelings and focusADHD skillsQur’an 17:83

One sign that the heat has come off a little: you can hold I am furious with you and you probably did not mean it in the same moment, without dropping either one.

In the middle of an argument that second thought is simply not available, and its absence is not a failure of character. It comes back as the arousal…

Twenty minutesFeelings and focusADHD skillsQur’an 42:37

Some people are done with an argument in ten minutes. If the person you live with needs three hours, your quick recovery can look to them like proof that you never cared.

Say the mismatch out loud when things are calm, so that it is understood before the next row rather than argued about during it. If you are the fast…

Twenty minutesFeelings and focusADHD skillsQur’an 7:199

Saying I need a break only works if you have agreed beforehand what a break means. How long it lasts, what the other person does meanwhile, and when the two of you come back to it.

Settle it on a calm evening. Twenty minutes, no following, no messages in between, and we sit back down at nine. Then keep the return time exactly,…

Twenty minutesFeelings and focusADHD skillsQur’an 8:46

Looking for a whole subject rather than a single practice? Start from the nine areas.