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Practices

Every practice in the library, in one list. Narrow it by how long you have, who it is written for, and where you are right now.

Narrowed down

28 practices
Choosing your response remove filterUnder stress remove filterClear all
How long you have
A minute 21Five minutes 5Twenty minutes 2
Who it is written for
Me 28A practitioner 23Someone I care about 5My husband or wife 5
Where you are right now
Coping, mostly 17Struggling right now 11
On your own, or with someone
On my own 26Involves someone else 2
Theme · Choosing your response
The moment before you snap 32Cool the body first 31Grounding and settling 30Choosing your response 28Your nervous system 24Touch and bodywork 22What anger actually is 20Staying regulated in conflict 20The fear underneath anger 18Feelings and focus 16Equanimity and perspective 15Tolerate distress 11The cost of avoiding 10Breathing 10Feeling from the inside 9Answering bids 9Systems for daily life 9Shame 8Practising under provocation 8Medication and how it works 8Moving your body 8Screens and attention 8What worry does 7Getting assessed and diagnosed 7Bringing the future closer 6Affection and touch 6Making it stick 6When anger turns to harm 6Breaking the worry loop 6When everything feels flat 6Shame and stigma 6What you are actually defending 5Question the thought 5Knowing your partner 5Treatment and medication 5Facing it a step at a time 5Emotions as signals 5Food, caffeine and fuel 5Letting it out safely 4Posture and how you carry yourself 4Get started 4Growing empathy 4Obsessions and compulsions 4Being seen and judged 3Listening and understanding 3Calm the body 3Let the wave come 3Exercise, food and other supports 3Working with anger 3Name what you feel 3Safety and grounding 3Righteous anger and perfectionism 3Your sense of time 2Reading, numbers and learning differences 2Meaning after harm 2Treatment and medication 2When you use something to cope 2Patience and trust 2Structure and routine 2Ride the urge 2Rebuild trust 2Self-compassion 2Shared spiritual life 1Anger, alcohol and the body 1Care for yourself in loss 1Listen to the body 1Panic and the body 1Remembering to do it 1Repair after rupture 1Rest and pacing 1Act on your values 1Validate yourself and others 1What ADHD actually is 1Your window of tolerance 1
Approach
Core 14Mindfulness 9Gottman 4CBT 1
When · Under stress
Any ordinary day 45Under stress 28After a row 7Coming and going 1

When somebody's voice climbs, let yours stay where it is. Staying level is not backing down, and in the room it usually reads as the stronger position.

Slow breathing, standing still, looking interested rather than braced: none of that is passive and none of it is agreement. An argument escalates…

A minuteChoosing your responseCBTQur’an 25:63

Gritting your teeth works right up until you are tired, hungry or already stretched. Watching the anger from a small distance is the steadier option, because it does not need holding up.

Keeping a lid down costs effort, and the effort runs out at the end of a long day, which is exactly when you need it. The observing stance is…

Five minutesChoosing your responseMindfulnessQur’an 15:85

You are free in principle and a good deal less free at half past eleven at night in the middle of a row. Freedom is a capacity that rises and falls, which also means it can be built.

On autopilot, hijacked, exhausted or drunk, the choice is technically yours and practically not. Knowing that without shame moves the question from…

Five minutesChoosing your responseCoreQur’an 5:8

You are free while you are still weighing something up, and once you have chosen you carry that choice until the next one comes round. So the useful thing is to have more of those moments, not to make one perfect decision.

Treat a hard evening as a run of small forks rather than one big test you pass or fail. Reply now or in an hour. Say the sentence or leave it. Stay…

Five minutesChoosing your responseCoreQur’an 23:96

There is no point reasoning with yourself while you are still lit up. Wake the part of you that does the reasoning first, then hand it the problem.

Under real arousal the clever reframes you learned are simply not available, which is why they seem to evaporate exactly when they are needed.…

Five minutesChoosing your responseCoreQur’an 2:153

There is a difference between stepping out and storming out, and most of it sits in whether the other person knows you are coming back.

Two failures sit either side of this one. The first is staying in the room until something is said that cannot be unsaid. The second is going quiet…

Five minutesChoosing your responseGottmanQur’an 43:89

A break only counts if you come back. Notice the anger, leave the room, actually settle yourself, then return and finish the conversation.

Most people manage the leaving and skip the settling, so they spend twenty minutes rehearsing their case and come back more wound up than when they…

Twenty minutesChoosing your responseGottmanQur’an 2:153

You may need to leave and come back two or three times before one conversation is finished. That is normal, not a sign that the skill is not working.

Bodies come down slowly. You can feel steady enough to return, sit down, hear one sentence and be right back at the top again. Knowing that in…

Twenty minutesChoosing your responseGottmanQur’an 3:186

Looking for a whole subject rather than a single practice? Start from the nine areas.