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Practices

Every practice in the library, in one list. Narrow it by how long you have, who it is written for, and where you are right now.

Narrowed down

8 practices
Shame remove filterUnder stress remove filterClear all
How long you have
A minute 3Five minutes 2Twenty minutes 3
Who it is written for
A practitioner 8Me 6Someone I care about 4My husband or wife 1
Where you are right now
Struggling right now 7Coping, mostly 1
On your own, or with someone
On my own 5Both of us together 3
Theme · Shame
The moment before you snap 32Cool the body first 31Grounding and settling 30Choosing your response 28Your nervous system 24Touch and bodywork 22What anger actually is 20Staying regulated in conflict 20The fear underneath anger 18Feelings and focus 16Equanimity and perspective 15Tolerate distress 11Breathing 10The cost of avoiding 10Feeling from the inside 9Systems for daily life 9Answering bids 9Shame 8Medication and how it works 8Moving your body 8Practising under provocation 8Screens and attention 8Getting assessed and diagnosed 7What worry does 7Making it stick 6Breaking the worry loop 6Affection and touch 6Shame and stigma 6When everything feels flat 6Bringing the future closer 6When anger turns to harm 6Food, caffeine and fuel 5Facing it a step at a time 5What you are actually defending 5Question the thought 5Emotions as signals 5Knowing your partner 5Treatment and medication 5Obsessions and compulsions 4Get started 4Growing empathy 4Letting it out safely 4Posture and how you carry yourself 4Calm the body 3Being seen and judged 3Safety and grounding 3Righteous anger and perfectionism 3Exercise, food and other supports 3Working with anger 3Name what you feel 3Listening and understanding 3Let the wave come 3Rebuild trust 2When you use something to cope 2Reading, numbers and learning differences 2Meaning after harm 2Patience and trust 2Ride the urge 2Self-compassion 2Your sense of time 2Structure and routine 2Treatment and medication 2Your window of tolerance 1What ADHD actually is 1Validate yourself and others 1Shared spiritual life 1Rest and pacing 1Repair after rupture 1Remembering to do it 1Act on your values 1Panic and the body 1Listen to the body 1Care for yourself in loss 1Anger, alcohol and the body 1
Approach
Trauma informed 7Emotionally focused 1
When · Under stress
Under stress 8Any ordinary day 7After a row 2Coming and going 2

Shame is visible before it is spoken. Shallow breath, eyes down, shoulders curling in, a voice gone small: the body says it first.

Learn your own version so you can catch it early, and learn to spot it in others without pointing at it like a diagnosis. When you notice the…

A minuteShameTrauma informedQur’an 20:121

When someone's shame fills the room, check your own state before you say anything. If you start to shrink, or to worry that you are handling this badly, they will feel it.

Shame is catching. The particular risk is a quiet spiral of your own, along the lines of I am no good at this, which pulls you out of the room at the…

A minuteShameTrauma informedQur’an 53:32

Change the sentence from 'I am bad' to 'I am feeling bad right now'. It is a small grammatical move and it changes what you are actually dealing with.

One is a permanent description of you, the other is weather. Weather you can wait out, describe, get curious about, tell someone about. Try saying…

A minuteShameTrauma informedQur’an 6:54

Shame does something cruel. It makes you want to disappear from the very person whose warmth would settle it, so if you notice yourself going quiet and pulling back, that pull is the shame talking rather than the truth about you.

Watch for the small retreats. Not answering a message, keeping an answer short, changing the subject when someone asks how you are. You do not have…

Five minutesShameEmotionally focusedQur’an 39:53

If you can see shame arriving in someone, say so gently and make it welcome. Something like: it looks like there is some shame here, and it is alright that it came.

Naming it does the opposite of exposing it. Left unnamed it works away in private, and the person assumes you have noticed and are judging. Said out…

Five minutesShameTrauma informedQur’an 3:135

Telling someone it was not their fault often bounces straight off, and there is a reason for that. Self blame can be the safer of the two stories, and you are asking them to give up shelter.

So do not lead with the correction. Say instead that it makes complete sense they landed there, that a child needs their parents to be good more than…

Twenty minutesShameTrauma informedQur’an 15:56

Shame works like a lid. While it is on, the anger and the sadness underneath stay out of reach, which is why going straight for them so rarely works.

If you keep trying to cry and nothing comes, or you know you should be furious and feel only flat and small, look at what is sitting on top. Naming…

Twenty minutesShameTrauma informedQur’an 12:87

Under most shame something else is waiting: anger at what was done, or grief for what was missed. That is the material worth reaching for.

You will know you are getting close when the flatness starts to move, often as heat in the chest or a lump in the throat. Anger in particular tends…

Twenty minutesShameTrauma informedQur’an 93:8

Looking for a whole subject rather than a single practice? Start from the nine areas.