Practices

A shortened day, a pass on presenting to the class, a modified deadline, a quiet place at lunch: worth asking for when they let a child stay in the building rather than leave it.

The test for any adjustment is simple. Does it get them into the room and keep them there, or does it save them from the room? A shortened day that…

You cannot outbid a bedroom with unlimited gaming and a free afternoon. Free access has to shrink before an earned version means anything at all.

With an older teenager this goes better as a conversation about arrangements than about character: the wifi and the console sit behind the school…

A chart imposed on a fifteen year old will be beaten, ignored or fought. Agree the terms with them instead, in a conversation where they can genuinely change something.

Ask what they think would help, what they would want in return, and what feels unfair about the current version. You are not handing over the goal,…

These practices are not only pleasant. They change things you could measure, which is worth knowing on the days when pleasant is not reason enough to bother.

Yoga and breath work tend to get filed under relaxation, and that undersells them. There are claims made about them shifting the chemistry involved…

Go slowly enough to learn something about yourself, rather than only a technique. What is worth keeping is knowing which breath does what in your body.

One round is rarely enough to tell. Try a breath for a minute or two, stop, and check what shifted: the chest, the shoulders, how loud your thoughts…

There are two skills here rather than one: letting your body move and settle in its own way, and being able to steer yourself deliberately towards rest or alertness. It is worth having both.

Most people are strong in one and shy of the other. If you always take charge, your body never gets to finish anything on its own. If you only ever…

There are two ways to make something get noticed: make it louder, or quieten everything around it. The second is usually the one nobody has tried.

It applies to a desk and to a phone screen alike. Adding one more reminder into a busy field mostly adds to the field. Taking six things off the desk…

Say the plan out loud to somebody. A manager, a colleague, your wife, a coach. Hearing yourself explain it does something that turning it over privately does not.

The listener does not need to be an expert in any of it. Talking forces you to put things in order, and the gaps tend to announce themselves halfway…

Mindfulness practice is good for most people, and may help a little more if you have ADHD. Treat it as something supportive rather than as the treatment itself.

The honest version is worth having, because being told it is the answer and then finding it is not tends to end with people dropping it entirely. If…

Once a week, both calendars open on the table. Who is doing scouts, who has football, what is happening on Thursday. Twice a week if the house is busy.

The point is finding the collisions while there is still time to sort them out, rather than at eight on Thursday morning with coats half on. Keep it…

When the thing is over, sit down for twenty minutes and go through it: what happened, what worked, what did not, what you will do differently. Put it in the diary, because it never happens on intention alone.

The monthly report, the school year, the audit. Write the answers where you will actually find them next time, and be specific about the point it…

Grief is tiring. Let yourself rest and return to small routines; this is not giving up on them.

Stepping back to eat, sleep, and do ordinary things is part of grieving, not a betrayal of it.

Some triggers make no sense because the memory attached to them is long gone while the alarm is still wired in. A tone of voice, a particular shirt, the smell of dinner burning.

If you find yourself furious out of all proportion, look at the features rather than the story. What did that moment sound like, look like, feel like…

After a fight has cooled, revisit it once without blame, each saying how it felt.

Not who was right. How it felt for me, how it felt for you, and what we each needed.

On the fight you keep having, stop trying to win it and ask what it means to them underneath.

What are you hoping for, or afraid of, in this. Then only listen for the dream beneath.

Before you argue your side, say their side back so well that they feel understood.

Summarize what they mean until they say yes, that is it. Then, and only then, your turn.

If you go silent and shut down, do not just stonewall. Say you need a break, and come back when calm.

Silent withdrawal makes it worse. Name that you are overwhelmed, take twenty minutes, then re-engage.

When either of you floods, take a real break of at least twenty minutes before continuing, and agree when to return.

Past a certain heat the body cannot hear reason. Stop, settle, and come back at the time you set.

Squeeze the hand, hold it for a few seconds, then let it go slowly. The letting go is where the calm is, and it works better once you have practised the long version.

Full muscle relaxation, working through the body group by group, takes about twenty minutes and is worth doing a handful of times. Once your body…

Movement can settle you or wind you further up, and the difference is mostly what your mind is doing while you move.

Pacing the kitchen while you build the case against someone keeps the whole system revved. The same twenty minutes spent counting breaths or noticing…