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Your marriage
What keeps a marriage well is not the big gestures. It is knowing each other, turning towards each other in ordinary moments, staying regulated when it gets hot, and repairing quickly when it goes wrong. Most of the practices here take under five minutes.
Narrowed down
7 practicesHow long you have · Five minutes
Approach · Gottman
When · Under stress
When you feel flooded today, name it and take a real break before you say a word.
Racing heart, tight chest, that is the signal. Step away, breathe, come back when steady.
On a break, do not rehearse how wronged you are. Let the grievance go and let your body settle.
Thoughts like I do not have to take this keep you flooded. Turn to something calming instead.
On a stuck, recurring fight, stop trying to persuade. First explore the dream or value behind each position.
Gridlock rarely yields to argument. Set persuasion aside and get curious about what the issue means to each of you.
Before you try to persuade, summarize your partner's position back until they say yes, that is it.
No persuasion lands until your partner feels understood. Interview them, then reflect their view to their satisfaction.
When your partner is angry, do not take it personally or rush to apologize. Ask what the anger is protecting.
All anger has a goal and something blocking it. Find both. What do you need is a good question.
When your partner is sad, do not try to cheer them up or fix it. Find out what is lost or missing.
You are a traveler; they are the guide into their own landscape of sadness. Let them show you.
When your partner is afraid, do not minimize it or reassure it away. Ask what is making them feel unsafe.
To a fearful person, do not worry can feel like ridicule. Take the fear seriously and understand it.