Areas › Your marriage › Listening and understanding
When your partner is sad, do not try to cheer them up or fix it. Find out what is lost or missing.
You are a traveler; they are the guide into their own landscape of sadness. Let them show you.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Yaqub said, I plead my grief and sorrow before God (Quran 12:86). Grief asks first to be heard, not fixed.
قَالَ إِنَّمَآ أَشۡكُواْ بَثِّي وَحُزۡنِيٓ إِلَى ٱللَّهِ وَأَعۡلَمُ مِنَ ٱللَّهِ مَا لَا تَعۡلَمُونَ
He said, ‘I plead my grief and sorrow before God. I have knowledge from God that you do not have
Qur’an 12:86read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
Trying to cheer a sad partner up often leaves them more alone; being present and curious about the loss is the support that reaches them.
Cohen, S. and Wills, T. A. (1985). Stress, social support, and the buffering hypothesis. Psychological Bulletin doi
Perceived social support buffers individuals against the harmful impact of stressful life events.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Sitting with a partner's sadness, rather than rushing to fix it, is what actually comforts.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Turn Toward (listening to sadness); How to Be a Great Listener.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
Once a day, take your partner's emotional temperature. Ask how are you doing, and mean it.
Reflect your partner's feeling back to them in simple, slow, soft words, using their own words where you can.
When your partner is angry, do not take it personally or rush to apologize. Ask what the anger is protecting.