Areas › Your marriage › Repair after rupture
Make one repair attempt in the middle of a disagreement: a softer word, a small joke, a hand.
The couples who last are not those who never fight, but those who reach for each other mid-fight.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Shall I tell you of something greater than fasting and prayer, the Prophet ﷺ asked, then answered: making peace between people. A hand reached out mid-argument is that peace, in miniature.
إِنَّمَا ٱلۡمُؤۡمِنُونَ إِخۡوَةࣱ فَأَصۡلِحُواْ بَيۡنَ أَخَوَيۡكُمۡۚ وَٱتَّقُواْ ٱللَّهَ لَعَلَّكُمۡ تُرۡحَمُونَ
The believers are brothers, so make peace between your two brothers and be mindful of God, so that you may be given mercy
Qur’an 49:10read it in the library
Narrated Um Kulthum bint `Uqba:That she heard Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) saying, "He who makes peace between the people by inventing good information or saying good things, is not a liar
Sahih al-Bukhari 2692graded sound, sahihaynfull report
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
The couples who last are not the ones who never fight; they are the ones who reach for each other while fighting. A softer word or small joke mid-conflict is what breaks the spiral.
Gottman, J.; Coan, J.; Carrere, S.; Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family doi
Newlywed interaction patterns; accepting influence; soft start-up.
Johnson, S.M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy with Individuals, Couples, and Families. Guilford
The originator's account of EFT as attachment-based practice.
Strength of evidence: research links. Replicated observational or longitudinal work.
Why it works
Repair attempts, even clumsy ones, break the downward spiral.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict; repair.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.