Areas › Anger › Choosing your response
Under the anger there is usually something you wanted and did not get, or something you are afraid of losing. Say that, and you have handed the other person something they can actually do.
"You never help" gives someone a charge to deny. "I needed you to take the kids for an hour and I was too proud to ask" gives them a job. The second is more exposing, which is why the accusation comes out first. Work out what you wanted before you open your mouth if you can, because it is hard to find mid sentence.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Do not let hatred of others lead you away from justice, but adhere to justice (Quran 5:8). Anger tempts you to overstate the case, and naming what you needed keeps the account fair.
يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ كُونُواْ قَوَّٰمِينَ لِلَّهِ شُهَدَآءَ بِٱلۡقِسۡطِۖ وَلَا يَجۡرِمَنَّكُمۡ شَنَـَٔانُ قَوۡمٍ عَلَىٰٓ أَلَّا تَعۡدِلُواْۚ ٱعۡدِلُواْ هُوَ أَقۡرَبُ لِلتَّقۡوَىٰۖ وَٱتَّقُواْ ٱللَّهَۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ خَبِيرُۢ بِمَا تَعۡمَلُونَ
You who believe, be steadfast in your devotion to God and bear witness impartially: do not let hatred of others lead you away from justice, but adhere to justice, for that is closer to awareness of God. Be mindful of God: God is well aware of all that you do
Qur’an 5:8read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
In a laboratory experiment, people who recalled an anger provoking event ended up in different states depending on how they thought about it: reappraising what had happened reduced anger, while going over it kept the anger going. It used a recalled memory in a controlled setting rather than a live argument. Still, putting the event into terms of a need is a form of reappraisal, and reappraisal is the side of that comparison that helped.
Ray RD, Wilhelm FH, Gross JJ. (2008). All in the mind's eye? Anger rumination and reappraisal.. Journal of personality and social psychology doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
A stated need asks for a solution, while a stated fault asks for a defence.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
Those first three circles were reactions rather than actions. Something old moved your hand, and you learned what it had decided at the same moment everyone else did.
If your whole plan is to keep your mouth shut next time, ask yourself how. Most of us go blank at that question, and the blank is worth more attention than another promise to try harder.
Catch the reflex on something small. A one-word reply to your message, and the first question your mind asks is what have I done.