Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
When a fight starts, name the pattern you both fall into, not the fault in them.
We are doing the thing where I push and you go quiet. The cycle is the enemy, not you.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Hold firmly together to the rope of God and do not be divided (Qur'an 3:103). The division is the thing to resist, not the one you love.
وَٱعۡتَصِمُواْ بِحَبۡلِ ٱللَّهِ جَمِيعࣰ ا وَلَا تَفَرَّقُواْۚ وَٱذۡكُرُواْ نِعۡمَتَ ٱللَّهِ عَلَيۡكُمۡ إِذۡ كُنتُمۡ أَعۡدَآءࣰ فَأَلَّفَ بَيۡنَ قُلُوبِكُمۡ فَأَصۡبَحۡتُم بِنِعۡمَتِهِۦٓ إِخۡوَٰنࣰ ا وَكُنتُمۡ عَلَىٰ شَفَا حُفۡرَةࣲ مِّنَ ٱلنَّارِ فَأَنقَذَكُم مِّنۡهَاۗ كَذَٰلِكَ يُبَيِّنُ ٱللَّهُ لَكُمۡ ءَايَٰتِهِۦ لَعَلَّكُمۡ تَهۡتَدُونَ
Hold fast to God’s rope all together; do not split into factions. Remember God’s favour to you: you were enemies and then He brought your hearts together and you became brothers by His grace; you were about to fall into a pit of Fire and He saved you from it- in this way God makes His revelations clear to you so that you may be rightly guided
Qur’an 3:103read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
The real enemy in a distressed couple is the pattern they fall into, the chase and the retreat. Naming the cycle lets you fight it together, not each other.
Johnson, S.M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy with Individuals, Couples, and Families. Guilford
The originator's account of EFT as attachment-based practice.
Strength of evidence: research links. Replicated observational or longitudinal work.
Why it works
Externalising the negative cycle unites a couple against a shared problem.
Where this sits: EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy), attachment-based couple intervention.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.