Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
Tell your spouse what you felt, not what they did, in your next complaint.
I felt alone, not you ignored me. The feeling is yours to own and easy to hear.
Qur’an and Sunnah
A kind word and forgiveness are better than a wounding gift (Qur'an 2:263). A feeling shared kindly is that kind word.
۞قَوۡلࣱ مَّعۡرُوفࣱ وَمَغۡفِرَةٌ خَيۡرࣱ مِّن صَدَقَةࣲ يَتۡبَعُهَآ أَذࣰ ىۗ وَٱللَّهُ غَنِيٌّ حَلِيمࣱ
A kind word and forgiveness is better than a charitable deed followed by hurtful [words]: God is self-sufficient, forbearing
Qur’an 2:263read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
What they did invites argument; what you felt invites care. Leading with your own feeling keeps a hard moment from becoming a courtroom.
Johnson, S.M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy with Individuals, Couples, and Families. Guilford
The originator's account of EFT as attachment-based practice.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Owning the feeling rather than the other's act keeps the door open.
Where this sits: EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy), attachment-based couple intervention.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.