Areas › Your marriage › Answering bids
When your spouse speaks to you today, put the phone down and give your whole face.
Divided attention says you are second. Undivided attention, even for a minute, says you are first.
Qur’an and Sunnah
A kind word is better than charity followed by injury (Qur'an 2:263). Your full attention is that kind word, given wordlessly.
۞قَوۡلࣱ مَّعۡرُوفࣱ وَمَغۡفِرَةٌ خَيۡرࣱ مِّن صَدَقَةࣲ يَتۡبَعُهَآ أَذࣰ ىۗ وَٱللَّهُ غَنِيٌّ حَلِيمࣱ
A kind word and forgiveness is better than a charitable deed followed by hurtful [words]: God is self-sufficient, forbearing
Qur’an 2:263read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
Undivided attention is the rarest gift in a busy home. Putting the screen down for one exchange says, right now, it is only you.
Gottman, J.; Coan, J.; Carrere, S.; Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family doi
Newlywed interaction patterns; accepting influence; soft start-up.
Strength of evidence: research links. Replicated observational or longitudinal work.
Why it works
Full presence in small exchanges is the clearest signal of being valued.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Turn Toward Instead of Away.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.