Areas › Your marriage › Shared spiritual life
Before hammering out differences, start from common ground: what do we agree on, and what are our shared goals?
Name the agreement and the shared aim first. Building from what you have in common makes the rest easier.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Say, let us arrive at a statement that is common to us all (Quran 3:64). Beginning from the common word is the model for bridging a divide.
قُلۡ يَٰٓأَهۡلَ ٱلۡكِتَٰبِ تَعَالَوۡاْ إِلَىٰ كَلِمَةࣲ سَوَآءِۭ بَيۡنَنَا وَبَيۡنَكُمۡ أَلَّا نَعۡبُدَ إِلَّا ٱللَّهَ وَلَا نُشۡرِكَ بِهِۦ شَيۡـࣰٔ ا وَلَا يَتَّخِذَ بَعۡضُنَا بَعۡضًا أَرۡبَابࣰ ا مِّن دُونِ ٱللَّهِۚ فَإِن تَوَلَّوۡاْ فَقُولُواْ ٱشۡهَدُواْ بِأَنَّا مُسۡلِمُونَ
Say, ‘People of the Book, let us arrive at a statement that is common to us all: we worship God alone, we ascribe no partner to Him, and none of us takes others beside God as lords.’ If they turn away, say, ‘Witness our devotion to Him.’
Qur’an 3:64read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
Starting a hard negotiation from common ground, what you agree on and want together, keeps you allies solving a problem rather than opponents; the differences shrink against the shared aim.
Gottman, J.; Coan, J.; Carrere, S.; Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family doi
Newlywed interaction patterns; accepting influence; soft start-up.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Anchoring a negotiation in shared goals and agreement, before the differences, keeps the couple on the same side.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict; The Art of Compromise (Getting to Yes: common ground).
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.