Areas › Your marriage › Listening and understanding
Once a day, take your partner's emotional temperature. Ask how are you doing, and mean it.
Not out of politeness, but because you truly want to know. Small check-ins build trust over time.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Speak good words to all people (Quran 2:83). A kind, caring question is among the good words that keep a bond warm.
وَإِذۡ أَخَذۡنَا مِيثَٰقَ بَنِيٓ إِسۡرَٰٓءِيلَ لَا تَعۡبُدُونَ إِلَّا ٱللَّهَ وَبِٱلۡوَٰلِدَيۡنِ إِحۡسَانࣰ ا وَذِي ٱلۡقُرۡبَىٰ وَٱلۡيَتَٰمَىٰ وَٱلۡمَسَٰكِينِ وَقُولُواْ لِلنَّاسِ حُسۡنࣰ ا وَأَقِيمُواْ ٱلصَّلَوٰةَ وَءَاتُواْ ٱلزَّكَوٰةَ ثُمَّ تَوَلَّيۡتُمۡ إِلَّا قَلِيلࣰ ا مِّنكُمۡ وَأَنتُم مُّعۡرِضُونَ
Remember when We took a pledge from the Children of Israel: ‘Worship none but God; be good to your parents and kinsfolk, to orphans and the poor; speak good words to all people; keep up the prayer and pay the prescribed alms.’ Then all but a few of you turned away and paid no heed
Qur’an 2:83read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
Couples who turn toward each other with small, genuine check-ins build a reserve of trust and goodwill that protects the relationship. Asking, and really listening, is how you stay close.
Gottman, J.; Coan, J.; Carrere, S.; Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family doi
Newlywed interaction patterns; accepting influence; soft start-up.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Regular, genuine interest in a partner's inner world steadily deepens intimacy and trust.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Turn Toward Instead of Away (Attunement); from the How to Be a Great Listener guide.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
Hold your advice until you fully understand, or until it is asked for. Understanding always comes before solutions.
Say back what you heard, then validate: I hear you saying this, and it makes sense you would feel that way.
When your partner is angry, do not take it personally or rush to apologize. Ask what the anger is protecting.