Areas › Your marriage › Listening and understanding
Say back what you heard, then validate: I hear you saying this, and it makes sense you would feel that way.
Validation is not agreement. It is showing you understand even part of their experience.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Repel evil with what is better, and your enemy becomes a close friend (Quran 41:34). A validating word is the better thing that turns the moment.
وَلَا تَسۡتَوِي ٱلۡحَسَنَةُ وَلَا ٱلسَّيِّئَةُۚ ٱدۡفَعۡ بِٱلَّتِي هِيَ أَحۡسَنُ فَإِذَا ٱلَّذِي بَيۡنَكَ وَبَيۡنَهُۥ عَدَٰوَةࣱ كَأَنَّهُۥ وَلِيٌّ حَمِيمࣱ
Good and evil cannot be equal. [Prophet], repel evil with what is better and your enemy will become as close as an old and valued friend
Qur’an 41:34read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
Repeating back what you heard and saying it makes sense lowers a partner's emotional arousal and makes them feel accompanied; it is one of the most reliable de-escalators there is.
Shenk, C. and Fruzzetti, A. E. (2011). The impact of validating and invalidating responses on emotional reactivity. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology doi
Validating responses lower emotional arousal, while invalidating responses increase it.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Reflecting back and validating a partner's feeling measurably lowers their distress and deepens trust.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Turn Toward (Attunement, reflect and validate); How to Be a Great Listener.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.