Areas › Your marriage › Listening and understanding
When your partner talks, shift the focus off yourself. It is not about being interesting, it is about being interested.
Postpone your own agenda for a while. Tune into their world before you bring yours.
Qur’an and Sunnah
The servants of the Merciful walk humbly on the earth (Quran 25:63). Humility is setting yourself aside long enough to truly hear another.
وَعِبَادُ ٱلرَّحۡمَٰنِ ٱلَّذِينَ يَمۡشُونَ عَلَى ٱلۡأَرۡضِ هَوۡنࣰ ا وَإِذَا خَاطَبَهُمُ ٱلۡجَٰهِلُونَ قَالُواْ سَلَٰمࣰ ا
The servants of the Lord of Mercy are those who walk humbly on the earth, and who, when the foolish address them, reply, ‘Peace’
Qur’an 25:63read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
Genuine attention, putting your own point aside to understand theirs first, is the core of connection; feeling heard matters more than being agreed with.
Gottman, J.; Coan, J.; Carrere, S.; Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family doi
Newlywed interaction patterns; accepting influence; soft start-up.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Setting your own agenda aside to attend fully to your partner is what makes them feel truly heard.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Turn Toward (Attunement, PREPARE step); How to Be a Great Listener.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.