Areas › Your marriage › Listening and understanding
Ask open questions that cannot be answered yes or no, then really listen to the answer.
Tell me the story of that opens the heart. Follow up on what you hear instead of waiting to talk.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Those who listen to what is said and follow what is best are the people of understanding (Quran 39:18). Real listening is honoured as understanding.
ٱلَّذِينَ يَسۡتَمِعُونَ ٱلۡقَوۡلَ فَيَتَّبِعُونَ أَحۡسَنَهُۥٓۚ أُوْلَٰٓئِكَ ٱلَّذِينَ هَدَىٰهُمُ ٱللَّهُۖ وَأُوْلَٰٓئِكَ هُمۡ أُوْلُواْ ٱلۡأَلۡبَٰبِ
who listen to what is said and follow what is best. These are the ones God has guided; these are the people of understanding
Qur’an 39:18read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
Open questions and genuine follow-up are how you learn your partner's inner world; they invite depth where yes-or-no questions close it off.
Gottman, J.; Coan, J.; Carrere, S.; Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family doi
Newlywed interaction patterns; accepting influence; soft start-up.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Open-ended questions and real follow-up draw a partner out and signal that you actually want to understand.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Turn Toward (Attunement, ATTUNE step: open-ended questions); How to Be a Great Listener.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
Under every complaint or hard feeling there is a longing. Listen for the wish underneath.
When your partner talks, shift the focus off yourself. It is not about being interesting, it is about being interested.
Take your love needs to your partner, not outside the relationship. Going outside almost always makes it worse.