Areas › Your marriage › Listening and understanding
Try to see the situation from your partner's side, not your own. Assume there is a good reason they feel as they do.
Their reality has its own validity. Start by looking for why it makes sense, not why it is wrong.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Why did the believers not think well of their own people? (Quran 24:12). The gentle default is to assume the best of the one you love.
لَّوۡلَآ إِذۡ سَمِعۡتُمُوهُ ظَنَّ ٱلۡمُؤۡمِنُونَ وَٱلۡمُؤۡمِنَٰتُ بِأَنفُسِهِمۡ خَيۡرࣰ ا وَقَالُواْ هَٰذَآ إِفۡكࣱ مُّبِينࣱ
When you heard the lie, why did believing men and women not think well of their own people and declare, ‘This is obviously a lie’
Qur’an 24:12read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
Approaching a partner's feeling as valid, and asking what makes it make sense, calms the exchange; assuming the worst raises the heat and shuts it down.
Shenk, C. and Fruzzetti, A. E. (2011). The impact of validating and invalidating responses on emotional reactivity. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology doi
Validating responses lower emotional arousal, while invalidating responses increase it.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Granting that a partner's view makes sense, before judging it, lowers defensiveness and opens them up.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Turn Toward (Attunement, take partner's perspective); How to Be a Great Listener.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.
Near this one
Hold your advice until you fully understand, or until it is asked for. Understanding always comes before solutions.
When your partner is afraid, do not minimize it or reassure it away. Ask what is making them feel unsafe.
Take your love needs to your partner, not outside the relationship. Going outside almost always makes it worse.