Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
When you spot a fault in your partner, look for it in yourself; when you claim a virtue, look for it in them.
This assumption of similarity keeps you humble and softens contempt in the middle of a disagreement.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Do not assert your own goodness; He knows best who is mindful of Him (Quran 53:32). Refusing to place yourself above your partner is exactly this humility.
ٱلَّذِينَ يَجۡتَنِبُونَ كَبَٰٓئِرَ ٱلۡإِثۡمِ وَٱلۡفَوَٰحِشَ إِلَّا ٱللَّمَمَۚ إِنَّ رَبَّكَ وَٰسِعُ ٱلۡمَغۡفِرَةِۚ هُوَ أَعۡلَمُ بِكُمۡ إِذۡ أَنشَأَكُم مِّنَ ٱلۡأَرۡضِ وَإِذۡ أَنتُمۡ أَجِنَّةࣱ فِي بُطُونِ أُمَّهَٰتِكُمۡۖ فَلَا تُزَكُّوٓاْ أَنفُسَكُمۡۖ هُوَ أَعۡلَمُ بِمَنِ ٱتَّقَىٰٓ
As for those who avoid grave sins and foul acts, though they may commit small sins, your Lord is ample in forgiveness. He has been aware of you from the time He produced you from the earth and from your hiding places in your mothers’ wombs, so do not assert your own goodness:He knows best who is mindful of Him
Qur’an 53:32read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
Assuming similarity, that the fault you see in your partner lives in you too, and your virtue in them, is a reliable antidote to the contempt that hardens conflict.
Gottman, J.; Coan, J.; Carrere, S.; Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family doi
Newlywed interaction patterns; accepting influence; soft start-up.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Looking for your partner's fault in yourself, and your virtue in them, dissolves the superiority that fuels contempt.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict; Gottman-Rapoport intervention (Assumption of Similarity).
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.