Practices

If someone stands up mid argument, stay where you are. Rising with them turns a conversation into a stand off.

Therapists who sit with couples notice that the person on their feet usually sits back down within a minute or two when nobody gets up to meet them.…

In a hostile exchange, try a slow hmm instead of a reply. It sounds like someone thinking, and it puts a long out breath in the way of whatever you were about to say.

The sound we make when we are unsure is already in everyone's repertoire, and it reads as puzzlement rather than as a threat, so the other person has…

You can drop the neuroscience and keep the instruction. Look at the person's face, and at their eyes in particular, and let what you see land on you.

The advice does not need a mechanism to be worth following. Look at the person while they are speaking instead of at your own next sentence. Let…

When someone is telling you something hard, quietly let your body come closer to theirs. Similar posture, similar pace, your voice at their volume rather than your own.

Do it lightly. This is not an impression, and if it looks like one it will land as mockery. A small shift is plenty: leaning in when they lean in,…

You can feel for the child in front of you and still keep the consequence you set. Being moved was never meant to be the thing that decides.

It happens to everybody. You are firm, then you see the crumpled face, something turns over in you, and the consequence quietly disappears. What the…

When you notice you have stopped really being there with someone, change your body before you try to change your effort. Sit forward, unfold your arms, turn to face them properly.

Attention goes late in the day, and trying harder to care rarely brings it back. Moving does. Feet planted, hands open, shoulders squared to them,…

Repeating back what your partner said proves you were listening. It does not prove you were touched by it, and they can tell the difference.

Reflective listening can be done perfectly and still land cold, because the words check the content while your face and body report that nothing…

Two people who spend time in step really do become more attuned. Nothing passes between your brains while it happens, though, so put the hours in rather than waiting for the wiring.

The phrase about brains wiring together is a picture, and a lovely one. What is actually available to you is ordinary: the same room, the same walk…

Rolling or throwing a ball back and forth with someone is more useful than it looks when one of you has gone blank. It gives the body a job and the two of you a rhythm at the same time.

It works over a video call as well: ask them to fetch a ball from another room and bounce it while you talk. Say what you are doing and why, so it…

When the person in front of you starts yawning during body work, it is usually not boredom. Bodies yawn as they let go of what they were holding.

Say so out loud, because most people apologise for it and then clamp down on the very thing that was starting to shift. A simple 'that is a good…

Most people are already doing something for themselves outside your room: herbs, a chiropractor, breathing videos, a weekly massage. Ask, plainly and without a raised eyebrow.

If you treat it as fringe behaviour, you will simply stop being told about it, and then you are working half blind. You want to know what is…

There comes a moment when the tissue under your fingers gives a little and allows more depth. Wait for that instead of pressing your way to it.

It sounds fanciful until you have felt it once, and then it is obvious. Rest your hand, keep the pressure steady, and let the softening decide the…

Connection settles people, but the right amount of it varies enormously. Some settle with a house full of family and some with one person and no talking at all.

If closeness costs you something, plan around that rather than pushing through. Shorter visits, sitting side by side instead of face to face, a walk…