Practices

On a break, do not rehearse how wronged you are. Let the grievance go and let your body settle.

Thoughts like I do not have to take this keep you flooded. Turn to something calming instead.

On a stuck, recurring fight, stop trying to persuade. First explore the dream or value behind each position.

Gridlock rarely yields to argument. Set persuasion aside and get curious about what the issue means to each of you.

Before you try to persuade, summarize your partner's position back until they say yes, that is it.

No persuasion lands until your partner feels understood. Interview them, then reflect their view to their satisfaction.

After a fight has cooled, revisit it once without blame, each saying how it felt.

Not who was right. How it felt for me, how it felt for you, and what we each needed.

On the fight you keep having, stop trying to win it and ask what it means to them underneath.

What are you hoping for, or afraid of, in this. Then only listen for the dream beneath.

Before you argue your side, say their side back so well that they feel understood.

Summarize what they mean until they say yes, that is it. Then, and only then, your turn.

If you go silent and shut down, do not just stonewall. Say you need a break, and come back when calm.

Silent withdrawal makes it worse. Name that you are overwhelmed, take twenty minutes, then re-engage.

When either of you floods, take a real break of at least twenty minutes before continuing, and agree when to return.

Past a certain heat the body cannot hear reason. Stop, settle, and come back at the time you set.