Practices

Tell someone their phone is wrecking their sleep and you have handed them something to argue with. Ask instead what they notice on the mornings after a late scroll, and let them say it.

This is the difference between a conclusion arriving from outside and one a person reaches themselves, which they then have to take seriously because…

There is a rough benchmark for homework: about ten minutes a night per school year, so a child in their first year does ten minutes and a final year student tops out near two hours.

It helps to have the number before a school meeting, because "this is too much" sounds like an opinion while a benchmark sounds like a standard. Some…

A rule that holds in your house and nowhere else is not really a rule. Children locate the unrestricted house within about a week.

So the awkward job is the useful one: a short message to the parents of the two or three friends your child spends most weekends with, agreeing…

Things posted in ten seconds have got young people excluded from school, and worse. It is worth asking about online conduct in the same routine way you would ask about anything else that could go badly.

Ask what has been posted, what has been sent, what someone would not want read out. Not as an inspection and not as a lecture about permanence, but…

A whole evening can go into recording an evening. It is worth asking, with no scolding in it, whether you were there for the thing you now have a photograph of.

This lands better than a rule about hours, because it is about something you would miss rather than something you are doing wrong. Try leaving the…

An alarm that marks the end of a session rather than the start. A written list of what these apps give you and what they cost. The phone's own usage figures. An agreement that an hour of scrolling gets matched with an hour of something else. Pick whichever you would actually do.

The choosing is part of why any of it works. A limit handed down gets tested and beaten, while one somebody picked themselves tends to survive a bad…

Most parents setting rules about an app have never scrolled it for ten minutes. The rules are usually reasonable and the picture underneath them is missing.

This is not really about being permissive. If you do not know that the feed is chosen for you, that one worried search brings a fortnight of similar…

Ask your child to show you their feed and explain it to you. You are asking to be taught rather than to inspect, and from the other side those feel nothing like each other.

Something shifts when the young person is the one who knows more. They slow down, they explain who these people are, they tell you which bits are…

If you want a way back in with a teenager who has gone quiet, ask them to show you the game. Not to assess it. Just to be shown something they are good at.

It works because it asks almost nothing of them. No eye contact, no explaining how they feel, no returning to whatever the last argument was about.…

For a week, jot down what was going on just before you picked up the phone, what you were thinking while you scrolled, and how you felt when you put it down. Nothing cleverer than that.

What usually surfaces is not that screens are bad but that two or three specific things are: one account, one time of day, one mood you always reach…

Pick one series and watch it together on the same evening each week. The point is not the programme. It is that something puts the two of you in the same room on purpose.

With an older teenager or a young adult, a set night can carry a relationship through stretches when talking is hard. Some weeks you will pause it…

The aim was never to stop needing the aids. It is to find ways round the parts that do not work well, and then to keep using them.

People tend to treat the alarms, the lists, the whiteboard by the door as scaffolding they ought to take down eventually. That is usually why it all…

One man with ADHD described the goal as no longer suffering from it, only having it. The diagnosis had not changed. What it cost him had.

Half of that shift comes from removing particular sources of pain: the job that was never going to work, the arrangement at home that left everything…

Most children with ADHD grow into adults with ADHD. Some of it settles as the brain finishes developing into your late twenties, and adult life gives you more say over how your days are arranged, but the underlying difficulty tends to stay.

This is worth knowing because much of the improvement people do get comes from arranging things to suit themselves: the job that fits, the hours that…

It rarely stays a matter of attention. The difficulties shape what you come to believe about yourself, that colours how you are with the people closest to you, and their responses feed straight back into the original trouble.

Discouraging to read, and genuinely useful, because it means there are three places to work and they are not equally stuck. The wiring is the hardest…

There is a difference between having ADHD and being ADHD. It sounds like word games until you notice which one you are living in.

Being it means the condition runs everything and explains everything, and there is a quiet relief in that which is hard to give up. Having it means…

Work properly at the parts that can be managed, then be at peace with what is left over. The order matters more than it sounds.

Peace offered before any real effort is giving up with better vocabulary, and it never quite convinces the person saying it. Effort with no end point…

Every list, timer and rule exists to buy you a life worth having. If the systems have quietly become the point, something has turned the wrong way round.

It is easy to end up managing your ADHD as a full time occupation and calling that recovery. A better test of a week is whether it held anything you…

In the famous test a child is left alone with one sweet and told that waiting will earn them two. Some reach for it almost before the grown up has finished speaking. They understood the offer perfectly. The second sweet simply was not real to them.

That is the whole thing in one image: the knowledge intact, the feeling absent. You can know that filing the return today would save you a fortnight…

A hundred pounds now, or the same hundred pounds guaranteed at the end of the year. Same money, same certainty. One of them pulls at you and the other does not.

Worth sitting with for a moment, because it takes risk out of the picture entirely. There is nothing to lose by waiting, and the near one still feels…