Areas › Your marriage › Staying regulated in conflict
Have one phrase ready for the moment rage arrives.
Decide now what you will say to yourself when it rises, not what you will say to them. One short phrase, chosen in advance, used every time. Preparation beats willpower at the moment it matters.
Qur’an and Sunnah
Seeing a man's eyes redden with fury, the Prophet ﷺ said he knew a phrase which, if the man said it, would leave him, and taught him to seek refuge from Shaytan. A prepared word for the moment the body takes over.
ٱلَّذِينَ يُنفِقُونَ فِي ٱلسَّرَّآءِ وَٱلضَّرَّآءِ وَٱلۡكَٰظِمِينَ ٱلۡغَيۡظَ وَٱلۡعَافِينَ عَنِ ٱلنَّاسِۗ وَٱللَّهُ يُحِبُّ ٱلۡمُحۡسِنِينَ
who give, both in prosperity and adversity, who restrain their anger and pardon people- God loves those who do good
Qur’an 3:134read it in the library
Sulaiman b. Surad said:Two men reviled each other in the presence of the Prophet (ﷺ). Then the eyes of one of them became red and his jugular veins swelled. The Apostle of Allah (ﷺ) said: I know a phrase by repeating which the man could get rid of the angry feelings: I seek refuge in Allah from the accursed devil. The man said: Do you see insanity in me
Sunan Abi Dawud 4781graded sound, albanifull report
Narrated Sulaiman bin Surad:A man from the companions of the Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Two men abused each other in front of the Prophet (ﷺ) and one of them became angry and his anger became so intense that his face became swollen and changed. The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "I know a word the saying of which will cause him to relax if he does say it." Then a man went to him and informed him of the statement of the Prophet (ﷺ) and…
Sahih al-Bukhari 6048graded sound, sahihaynfull report
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
Choose it today, while you are calm. You will not invent one mid-argument.
Gottman, J.; Levenson, R. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health.. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology doi
Interaction patterns and physiological arousal predicting dissolution.
Johnson, S.M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy with Individuals, Couples, and Families. Guilford
The originator's account of EFT as attachment-based practice.
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Why it works
Pre-committed responses require less executive capacity than improvised ones, which is decisive precisely when flooding has reduced that capacity.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Manage Conflict.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.