Areas › Your marriage › Answering bids
Answer the small bid today: the passing comment is really a reach for your attention.
Look up, turn toward, respond. The weather remark is not about the weather.
Qur’an and Sunnah
A kind word and forgiveness are better than charity followed by hurt (Qur'an 2:263). The kind word answering a small reach is worth more than it looks.
۞قَوۡلࣱ مَّعۡرُوفࣱ وَمَغۡفِرَةٌ خَيۡرࣱ مِّن صَدَقَةࣲ يَتۡبَعُهَآ أَذࣰ ىۗ وَٱللَّهُ غَنِيٌّ حَلِيمࣱ
A kind word and forgiveness is better than a charitable deed followed by hurtful [words]: God is self-sufficient, forbearing
Qur’an 2:263read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
A partner's offhand comment is often a quiet bid for connection. Turning toward these tiny moments, again and again, is what quietly builds trust.
Gottman, J.; Coan, J.; Carrere, S.; Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family doi
Newlywed interaction patterns; accepting influence; soft start-up.
Strength of evidence: research links. Replicated observational or longitudinal work.
Why it works
Small bids answered accumulate into the felt security a bond is built on.
Where this sits: Gottman method, Turn Toward Instead of Away.
This one is still a draft. It is waiting on a scholar and a clinician to read it before it is published.