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Practices

Every practice in the library, in one list. Narrow it by how long you have, who it is written for, and where you are right now.

Narrowed down

28 practices
Staying regulated in conflict remove filterAfter a row remove filterClear all
How long you have
A minute 24Five minutes 1Twenty minutes 3
Who it is written for
Me 28My husband or wife 28
On your own, or with someone
On my own 17Involves someone else 11
Theme · Staying regulated in conflict
Staying regulated in conflict 28What anger actually is 22Repair after rupture 15Equanimity and perspective 14The fear underneath anger 12Feelings and focus 11Rebuilding trust 9Emotions as signals 9Cool the body first 9Choosing your response 7The moment before you snap 7Screens and attention 6Practising under provocation 6Remembering to do it 5Tolerate distress 4Treatment and medication 4When anger turns to harm 3Shame and stigma 3What ADHD actually is 3When you go numb 3Bringing the future closer 3Your sense of time 3Shame 2The cost of avoiding 2Growing empathy 2Getting assessed and diagnosed 2Making it stick 2What you are actually defending 2Your nervous system 2Breaking the worry loop 1Validate yourself and others 1Use your strengths 1Affection and touch 1Righteous anger and perfectionism 1Moving your body 1Grounding and settling 1Fondness and admiration 1Facing it a step at a time 1Anger, alcohol and the body 1
Approach
Emotionally focused 13Gottman 8Core 7
When · After a row
After a row 28Under stress 20Any ordinary day 11Coming and going 1

Let one provocation pass entirely today.

Something will invite a response today: a tone, a comment, a look. Let one of them go completely. Not swallowed resentfully. Just not picked up.

A minuteStaying regulated in conflictCoreQur’an 3:134

Give up the last word once today.

You will notice the moment: the reply that would settle it, that you are entitled to. Let that one go. Not because you are wrong, but because being…

A minuteStaying regulated in conflictCoreQur’an 3:134

Have one phrase ready for the moment rage arrives.

Decide now what you will say to yourself when it rises, not what you will say to them. One short phrase, chosen in advance, used every time.…

A minuteStaying regulated in conflictCoreQur’an 3:134

Notice the story you are telling yourself about why they did that, and hold it loosely.

The first explanation that arrives is rarely the whole truth, and often the least generous one.

A minuteStaying regulated in conflictCoreQur’an 49:12

If you take a break from a fight, name when you will come back, and come back.

Give me twenty minutes, I am not leaving this. Then return, calmer, as promised.

Five minutesStaying regulated in conflictGottmanQur’an 3:134

After a fight has cooled, revisit it once without blame, each saying how it felt.

Not who was right. How it felt for me, how it felt for you, and what we each needed.

Twenty minutesStaying regulated in conflictGottmanQur’an 42:40

On the fight you keep having, stop trying to win it and ask what it means to them underneath.

What are you hoping for, or afraid of, in this. Then only listen for the dream beneath.

Twenty minutesStaying regulated in conflictGottmanQur’an 49:13

Before you argue your side, say their side back so well that they feel understood.

Summarize what they mean until they say yes, that is it. Then, and only then, your turn.

Twenty minutesStaying regulated in conflictGottmanQur’an 4:135

Looking for a whole subject rather than a single practice? Start from the nine areas.