Practices

Let them tell the good story twice.

Sharing a joy and being met with delight makes the joy larger and the bond warmer.

Ask which kind of support they want today rather than deciding for them.

Sometimes it is help, sometimes only company; asking spares you both the wrong gift.

When your partner is up against something, take their side: this is our problem, we will face it together.

Even if you see the other side, do not side with the enemy against your partner. Stand with them first.

Once today, ask about a stress from outside the two of you, then just listen. No fixing.

Twenty minutes on their side. Your only job is to understand and be on their team.

Once a day, take turns unloading the day's outside stress while the other just listens and supports, not fixes.

Ten minutes each on stress from beyond the relationship. The listener gives empathy, not solutions.

Be firm and warm at once: gentle tone, steady eyes, clear ask. Neither doormat nor bulldozer.

Softness of manner and firmness of content are not opposites. Hold the point kindly.

Ask plainly: name the facts, say how you feel, say what you want, in a few clear sentences.

Drop the hinting. State the situation, your feeling, and the request. Clear is kind.

Avoiding something makes today easier and tomorrow harder. Say that plainly, to yourself and to whoever is in it with you.

Without that sentence, asking someone to face a frightening thing looks like cruelty, and every conversation about it goes badly. With it, the choice…

Anxiety is the most common mental health difficulty of childhood, with something like a third of young people meeting the threshold at some point and a smaller group badly held back by it. Both halves of that are worth saying.

The first half is for the shame: this is ordinary, and keeping it secret is its own kind of avoiding. The second half is so that nobody hears…

There is a particular good feeling in getting out of something you were dreading. Give it a name at home, because it is exactly what makes tomorrow harder.

Children recognise this straight away when it is put plainly: the lovely feeling when you find out you do not have to go. Adults know it too, in the…

The first day back is worse than the weeks before it, not better. Plan for that spike rather than letting it take you by surprise.

Anxiety climbs as the return gets close and peaks somewhere near the doorway, then it comes down, but only for someone who stays long enough to find…

When the fear is about being seen, being asked, being judged, you can build the steps out of real moments: the doorway, the corridor, the dining hall, answering once in a lesson.

Fear of a whole building cannot be practised. Fear of walking into the dining hall at half past twelve can. Make each step small enough to be boring…

Whoever is standing in the hall at half past seven needs to understand the trap as well as the child does. A plan agreed on a Tuesday afternoon will not survive a Wednesday morning otherwise.

In the moment it is happening, a parent is not weighing up what gets learned over a term. They are trying to end the distress in front of them, and…

Next rung: remark on something in the room. The plant, the noise outside, the length of the queue. Nothing about the person yet, just something out loud about where you both are.

It is the lowest stakes opening there is, because the subject is neutral and the other person can pick it up or leave it. Most of the time a small…

Give the ladder a name that sounds like yours. Challenges you set yourself land completely differently from tasks you have been handed.

Write the steps out with whoever is helping rather than receiving a finished list. The words matter more than they should: a challenge invites you to…

Being articulate is not the same as being alright. Plenty of people who talk easily one to one are barely holding it together in the rooms that actually frighten them.

This is where families and clinicians get it wrong most often. Someone speaks well in a quiet office, so the fear gets marked down as mild, and the…

The fast forceful practices are not for everyone. With high blood pressure, heart trouble or glaucoma, leave them out and use the slow ones, which carry no such warning.

Rapid breathing with effort behind it raises pressure inside the chest, the head and the eyes for as long as you keep it going. The gentler lift,…

Any breathing instruction that reaches you through a screen or a book comes from someone who cannot see you. Keep the final say over what your body does.

Recorded instructions have to be general. You are the one who knows that your chest tightens on holds, or that counting makes you anxious. Treat each…

The rapid belly driven breath with pauses added is the strongest thing in this set. Not for high blood pressure, glaucoma, pregnancy or your period, and stop at once with pain or dizziness.

It has its uses for the flat, heavy state that comes over people after lunch or during a long low patch, because it pushes upwards rather than down.…

End a practice with a question rather than a conclusion. What do you notice works better than telling someone what should have happened.

If you announce that an exercise is calming, most people will agree with you whether or not it was. Asking leaves room for the honest answer,…