Practices

After years of feeling slightly outside every room, pulling back stops being a decision and becomes the setting you live at. Worth knowing about yourself before you conclude that you are simply not a people person.

If you are supporting or treating someone with ADHD, assume the connection has to be built rather than already there, and do not read the flatness…

Setting out to get rid of worry altogether sets you up to fail twice, first at the worry and then at the failing. A kinder aim is to change how you sit with it.

Anxiety and ADHD keep close company, and for most people some background hum does not go away. What can change is what happens next: whether you…

Some of what you believe about yourself is not a distortion. Things really did go wrong, often for years. What can be argued with is the conclusion you drew from them, that this is simply what you are.

Try separating the record from the verdict. The record might be missed deadlines, jobs that ended badly, friendships that faded. The verdict is 'so I…

Fear tends to make its case as caution. Try not to let it quietly shrink what you are willing to attempt, because the shrinking rarely stops on its own.

If you have been criticised often enough, staying out of things stops feeling like a choice and starts feeling like plain good sense. The way back is…

Worry does two things at once. It makes the problem bigger than it is and it makes you smaller than you are. The second half is the one that usually goes unchallenged.

After years of being told you get things wrong, a low estimate of yourself does not feel like a distortion, it feels like the evidence. So argue with…

Sometimes the answer is not a better system. It is doing less, including giving up something you love, because what it costs you has stopped being affordable.

Scouts on a Tuesday, the second job, the committee. Losing one of these is a real loss and it is worth grieving rather than pretending you never…

Connection does not have to be human. A dog will not judge how your week went, and it will get you out of the door twice a day whether you feel like it or not.

If people currently feel exhausting or risky, an animal is often the easiest place to begin. Part of the good is the company and part of it is the…

If you are permanently behind, short of sleep and scrambling, that is not the backdrop to your short fuse. A good deal of the time it is the cause of it.

This is what makes the dull organisational work worth doing, because it buys you something you actually want. A morning that is not a panic leaves…

Everybody finds unrewarding tasks harder to start. If yours seem to cost several times what other people pay, that is a real difference in how your brain handles reward, not a flaw in your character.

It shows up worst on the jobs with nothing built into them: the form, the receipts, the email you have already read four times. Knowing the cost is…

Notice the question you are asking yourself. If it is do I feel like doing this, the answer will be no today, no tomorrow, and no on the day it is due.

A question that always returns the same answer is not helping you decide anything. Swap it for a plainer one: what are the first two minutes of this,…

You will not enjoy it on Thursday either. What Thursday takes away is the choice, not the dislike.

Underneath most delaying is a quiet hope that some future version of you will feel differently about the job. That version does not turn up. Once you…

One question to keep in your pocket: if I skip this now, how will I feel about it on Thursday? Ask it at the door of the task, then move.

It is a small swap and it takes two seconds, which is what makes it usable when there is nobody around to prompt you. It shifts you off how the task…

Make the first move small enough to be almost silly. Open the document and type the date. Put the trainers by the door. Everything after that is cheaper.

Nearly all the cost of a task sits at the entrance, so that is where your design effort should go. Decide the first physical action the night before,…

Everything you say about how much you hate this job is probably true, and saying it again makes the job heavier. Notice the second or third round and stop there.

Complaining once is fine and often useful. The loop is what costs you, since each pass makes the task feel worse and spends the energy you were going…

If some of your appointments make it into the calendar and some do not, that is still better than none of them. Half a system is not a failed system.

The usual way these things die is not gradual. You miss a few days, decide it is not working, and drop the whole thing, which puts you back where you…

When you catch yourself saying you are not motivated, try swapping the word out. Ask instead which bit has stalled: getting started, knowing what comes first, staying with it, or holding your attention on it at all.

Motivation is not one switch. It sits on top of several separate skills, and usually only one of them has failed on a given day. Naming that one…

Putting something off is often fear wearing a lazy costume. If planners have never fixed it for you, that is a clue the trouble is what the task makes you feel, not what your diary looks like.

Ask what you expect to happen when you open it. There is usually something specific in there: that it will be wrong, that it will swallow the whole…

Before deciding you are avoiding something, check that you actually know what it wants. How long, in what form, by when, and what counts as finished.

A surprising amount of stuckness is not avoidance at all. You cannot start a job whose shape you cannot see, so your mind slides off it and you call…

Some days the whole job is putting everything you need in one place and then walking away. Tomorrow you begin already halfway in.

This splits the hard part in two, and both halves are small. Paint, brushes and tape by the door. The forms and the calculator on the kitchen table.…

If you cannot say yes and cannot say no, look for the smaller version. Not the course, one module. Not every week, once a month.

All or nothing is often what makes a decision impossible, since neither end is honestly true for you. A reduced version can sit at the level where…