Practices

Every practice in the library, in one list. Narrow it by how long you have, who it is written for, and where you are right now.

Narrowed down

12 practices

Listening and understanding Involves someone else Clear all

How long you have

A minute 7 Five minutes 5

Who it is written for

Me 12 My husband or wife 12

On your own, or with someone · Involves someone else

Involves someone else 12 On my own 1

Theme · Listening and understanding

Medication and how it works 61 Systems for daily life 37 The cost of avoiding 36 Screens and attention 26 Staying regulated in conflict 24 Moving your body 21 Treatment and medication 20 Knowing your partner 15 Exercise, food and other supports 15 Rebuilding trust 14 Affection and touch 13 Feelings and focus 13 What ADHD actually is 13 What anger actually is 13 Listening and understanding 12 Rituals of connection 11 Breaking the worry loop 11 Your sense of time 11 Answering bids 11 Your nervous system 11 Repair after rupture 11 What worry does 10 Getting assessed and diagnosed 10 Shared spiritual life 10 The moment before you snap 10 Structure and routine 10 Food, caffeine and fuel 10 Facing it a step at a time 10 Grounding and settling 9 Bringing the future closer 9 Emotions as signals 7 Get started 7 Breathing 7 Choosing your response 7 Cool the body first 7 When everything feels flat 7 Treatment and medication 7 Equanimity and perspective 7 Growing empathy 7 Remembering to do it 6 Reading, numbers and learning differences 6 Shame and stigma 5 Posture and how you carry yourself 5 When you use something to cope 5 Touch and bodywork 4 Tolerate distress 4 Practising under provocation 3 Obsessions and compulsions 3 Panic and the body 3 Making it stick 3 Righteous anger and perfectionism 3 Being seen and judged 3 What you are actually defending 2 Help someone grieving 2 Ask and say no well 2 Gratitude 2 The fear underneath anger 2 Shame 2 Rest and pacing 2 Feeling from the inside 2 Fondness and admiration 2 Validate yourself and others 1 Living with uncertainty 1 When you go numb 1 Safety and grounding 1

Approach

Gottman 11 Emotionally focused 1

When

Any ordinary day 9 Under stress 3

Reflect your partner's feeling back to them in simple, slow, soft words, using their own words where you can.

Empathic reflection, gently naming and mirroring back what your partner is feeling, tells them they are not alone in it. Keep it slow, simple, and…

A minuteListening and understandingEmotionally focusedQur’an 20:44

Once a day, take your partner's emotional temperature. Ask how are you doing, and mean it.

Not out of politeness, but because you truly want to know. Small check-ins build trust over time.

A minuteListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 2:83

When your partner talks, shift the focus off yourself. It is not about being interesting, it is about being interested.

Postpone your own agenda for a while. Tune into their world before you bring yours.

A minuteListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 25:63

Try to see the situation from your partner's side, not your own. Assume there is a good reason they feel as they do.

Their reality has its own validity. Start by looking for why it makes sense, not why it is wrong.

A minuteListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 24:12

Ask open questions that cannot be answered yes or no, then really listen to the answer.

Tell me the story of that opens the heart. Follow up on what you hear instead of waiting to talk.

A minuteListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 39:18

Hold your advice until you fully understand, or until it is asked for. Understanding always comes before solutions.

Words of understanding must precede any words of advice. Always. Fix later, if at all.

A minuteListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 17:53

Say back what you heard, then validate: I hear you saying this, and it makes sense you would feel that way.

Validation is not agreement. It is showing you understand even part of their experience.

A minuteListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 41:34

Under every complaint or hard feeling there is a longing. Listen for the wish underneath.

Behind the anger or sadness is a desire. Find the longing and you find what they actually need.

Five minutesListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 3:119

When your partner is angry, do not take it personally or rush to apologize. Ask what the anger is protecting.

All anger has a goal and something blocking it. Find both. What do you need is a good question.

Five minutesListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 7:199

When your partner is sad, do not try to cheer them up or fix it. Find out what is lost or missing.

You are a traveler; they are the guide into their own landscape of sadness. Let them show you.

Five minutesListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 12:86

When your partner is afraid, do not minimize it or reassure it away. Ask what is making them feel unsafe.

To a fearful person, do not worry can feel like ridicule. Take the fear seriously and understand it.

Five minutesListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 20:46

Do not stay hidden. Tell your partner about your day, your worries, your inner world.

Hiding your reality to protect them keeps you strangers. Let them know you.

Five minutesListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 8:63

Looking for a whole subject rather than a single practice? Start from the nine areas.