Practices

Every practice in the library, in one list. Narrow it by how long you have, who it is written for, and where you are right now.

Narrowed down

13 practices

Listening and understanding Clear all

How long you have

A minute 8 Five minutes 5

Who it is written for

Me 13 My husband or wife 13

On your own, or with someone

Involves someone else 12 On my own 1

Theme · Listening and understanding

Medication and how it works 177Your nervous system 120Systems for daily life 114What anger actually is 103Getting assessed and diagnosed 93 The moment before you snap 88 Choosing your response 81 Get started 74 Moving your body 71 Treatment and medication 71 Grounding and settling 71 Equanimity and perspective 68 Feelings and focus 66 Your sense of time 66 Touch and bodywork 65 What ADHD actually is 65 Cool the body first 65 Staying regulated in conflict 65 Screens and attention 62 Exercise, food and other supports 61 The fear underneath anger 61 Bringing the future closer 60 Food, caffeine and fuel 59 When everything feels flat 54 Practising under provocation 46 The cost of avoiding 44 Structure and routine 36 Growing empathy 36 Shame and stigma 35 Breathing 35 Reading, numbers and learning differences 34 What worry does 34 Making it stick 33 Treatment and medication 31 Being seen and judged 30 Emotions as signals 30 Remembering to do it 27 Tolerate distress 27 Knowing your partner 25 Feeling from the inside 25 Facing it a step at a time 24 When you use something to cope 24 What you are actually defending 24 Breaking the worry loop 24 Answering bids 24 Shame 19 Repair after rupture 19 Obsessions and compulsions 18 Shared spiritual life 17 Righteous anger and perfectionism 17 Rebuilding trust 17 Fondness and admiration 15 Affection and touch 15 When anger turns to harm 15 Rituals of connection 13 Posture and how you carry yourself 13 Listening and understanding 13 Self-compassion 12 Question the thought 11 Use your strengths 10 Gratitude 9 Anger, alcohol and the body 8 When you go numb 7 Rest and pacing 5 Panic and the body 5 Living with uncertainty 5 Safety and grounding 4 Letting it out safely 4 Meaning after harm 4 Let the wave come 3 Act on your values 3 Working with anger 3 Notice the pattern and flex 3 Calm the body 3 Your worth is not conditional 3 Name what you feel 3 Listen to the body 2 Help someone grieving 2 Keep the bond 2 Get it out of your head 2 Validate yourself and others 2 Find meaning 2 Ride the urge 2 Your window of tolerance 2 Work with your brain 2 Patience and trust 2 Face it gently 2 Care for yourself in loss 2 Ask and say no well 2 Hold a boundary 2

Approach

Gottman 12 Emotionally focused 1

When

Any ordinary day 10 Under stress 3

Reflect your partner's feeling back to them in simple, slow, soft words, using their own words where you can.

Empathic reflection, gently naming and mirroring back what your partner is feeling, tells them they are not alone in it. Keep it slow, simple, and…

A minuteListening and understandingEmotionally focusedQur’an 20:44

Once a day, take your partner's emotional temperature. Ask how are you doing, and mean it.

Not out of politeness, but because you truly want to know. Small check-ins build trust over time.

A minuteListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 2:83

When your partner talks, shift the focus off yourself. It is not about being interesting, it is about being interested.

Postpone your own agenda for a while. Tune into their world before you bring yours.

A minuteListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 25:63

Try to see the situation from your partner's side, not your own. Assume there is a good reason they feel as they do.

Their reality has its own validity. Start by looking for why it makes sense, not why it is wrong.

A minuteListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 24:12

Ask open questions that cannot be answered yes or no, then really listen to the answer.

Tell me the story of that opens the heart. Follow up on what you hear instead of waiting to talk.

A minuteListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 39:18

Hold your advice until you fully understand, or until it is asked for. Understanding always comes before solutions.

Words of understanding must precede any words of advice. Always. Fix later, if at all.

A minuteListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 17:53

Say back what you heard, then validate: I hear you saying this, and it makes sense you would feel that way.

Validation is not agreement. It is showing you understand even part of their experience.

A minuteListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 41:34

Take your love needs to your partner, not outside the relationship. Going outside almost always makes it worse.

When something is missing, ask for it at home. Seeking it elsewhere deepens the wound.

A minuteListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 17:32

Under every complaint or hard feeling there is a longing. Listen for the wish underneath.

Behind the anger or sadness is a desire. Find the longing and you find what they actually need.

Five minutesListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 3:119

When your partner is angry, do not take it personally or rush to apologize. Ask what the anger is protecting.

All anger has a goal and something blocking it. Find both. What do you need is a good question.

Five minutesListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 7:199

When your partner is sad, do not try to cheer them up or fix it. Find out what is lost or missing.

You are a traveler; they are the guide into their own landscape of sadness. Let them show you.

Five minutesListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 12:86

When your partner is afraid, do not minimize it or reassure it away. Ask what is making them feel unsafe.

To a fearful person, do not worry can feel like ridicule. Take the fear seriously and understand it.

Five minutesListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 20:46

Do not stay hidden. Tell your partner about your day, your worries, your inner world.

Hiding your reality to protect them keeps you strangers. Let them know you.

Five minutesListening and understandingGottmanQur’an 8:63

Looking for a whole subject rather than a single practice? Start from the nine areas.